strings of hope

closure

2011-06-07T19:58:00.004+10:00

it's a long overdue move, but change calls for closure before new doors can open. adieu!

the sunset off tanjung aru, kk (courtesy of ypc)

melbourne revisited

2010-09-09T16:58:00.010+10:00

the perfect arch

it was almost perfect.

you may not see it from the picture, but there was actually a fainter second ray of colours that was only visible to the naked eye. a double combo glistening in the aftermath of a sun-sprinkled drizzle in Mansfield, after a day's attempt at skiing and a night's worth of acai berry vodka goodness.

the best kind of happy comes from unexpected surprises that knock on your door when you're dozing off to sleep. the sight promptly got all 5 of us out of the car for some trigger-happy snaps. the trip back to melbourne was a refreshing getaway from a routine that was starting to border on suffocation. who knew we'd be in for some awesome good fun?

rainbows really do light up the day!

the heart of the matter

2009-09-01T00:25:00.004+10:00

what dyou do when words fail you, and all that escapes your lips are trivial to the heart of the matter? of course, no amount of pleasantry or gifts can mend the broken.

what can you do when there are no options to exhaust, but only scars as a glaring reminder of the pain? will the air always be this thick with discomfort, or is there an avenue for a breath of fresh air? is this just another stumbling block in the walk of relationships that matter most to you?

what dyou do when every waking moment is tormented by guilt, and even the few hours of light sleep feels like a nightmare? why were values abandoned and priorities shifted in the light of trying times? how many nails must be hammered in before you ever learn?

someone please tell me there will be a rainbow after the rain this time.

empty clutches in the dark

2009-07-22T00:07:00.005+10:00

if not for the two angels who give without expecting, love without judging, and understand like no other.

there's a first time for everything

2009-06-15T18:39:00.018+10:00

my first sunset

avilion's chalets lacing the sky in Port Dickson

with treasured company, since touching down on malaysian shores. aptly-timed, it was a reward, a welcome and a farewell of sorts for the hardworking hosts of a silver jubilee, a newly-returned china-fied soul and a prospective australian engineer respectively. it was, for the first time in the longest time, the most blissful getaway i could dream of.

my first shot

caught in awe of one Putrajaya bridge

of Putrajaya, where the architectural beauty of many structures lie under-utilised and perhaps, unappreciated. objects of great stature include numerous bridges, government buildings and the almost fairytale-like palace they call a mosque. with a trigger-happy family, we now have many photos to look back on.

my first concert

"we sing. we dance. we steal things"

with the incredibly sexy jason mraz. almost a sauna replicate, the stadium thrived on the heat of a seasoned performer who would have done more justice singing in a cozier set up. while in dire need of more air ventilation, it was a heartwarming 2 hours of cheering, clapping and admitedly, some screaming.

my first touch

new friends finding home on a rubber thong (not mine)

of morib beach, where we made friends with little crabs and miniature snails in soggy sand. originally meant to be a sampling of the infamous 'hat yi kai' (beggar's chicken), it was a pleasant enough walk on the endless sands of low-tide. note to self: pre-book chicken in advance.

my first flight

one of them big bullies before our tiny speedboat ride to labuan jetty

to labuan, where tuaran mee, chocolate and beer became the mainstay of work. a steep learning curve that made for an east-malaysia journey of high expectations and adrenaline. luckily, there was plenty of grub to keep going in an island far from home.

my first drink

thirst-quencher

to have when in need of a thirst-quencher, considering the tax and duty-free haven. for one month only, we splurged. helps to have some crazy colleagues around to keep you sane:)

my first chick

baby chicks in their wide-eyed innocence

in the jungle-worthy throes of poultry and palm oil in Kulim. accused of smelling like a chicken half the time, the exposure to something beyond your usual sanitation standards was quite an experience. but with so much good cheer in tow, it was a memorable 2 weeks:)

my first real taste

penang bridge caught from the backseat

of penang, complete with sun, sea, sand and (para) sailing. needless to say, the food was up to the mark at any given place or time. for awhile, it was the paragon of healthy living, if you discount the customary oil with every plate of hawker goodness.

my first outdoor jog

the lush greenery at penang's botanical gardens

of the year, after a a long hiatus. in the company of monkeys and do-gooders, the 'run' was a sorry reminder of how today's gyms have elevated the idea of exercising through made-easy machines and feel-good instructors. nothing beats the refreshing au naturel.

my first post

since i started clocking in the hours in the audit line. i've come to realize that many still stereotype auditors as accountants who deal only with numbers, which is so far off the truth. the assumptions people live with these days.. i beg to digress.
so far, so good:D

what is love?

2009-01-22T02:06:00.009+11:00

not a very smart choice to tackle this age-old mire that many try to understand, but fail, and others shy away from. a bewilderment that leaves many questions unanswered, i found some food for thought after a series of events.

i thought that love is about making sacrifices.
about making choices that messes up your plans, vexes you silly and then realizing in an instinctive afterthought that he really is worth your while after all.

love is about plonking down on the sofa next to him and knowing that there's no other place you would rather be.
whether you're tired, moody or overjoyed, he is the first person you're bursting inside to tell.

love is about the million and one sensations that flood your entire being when you're missing his company, and you know it is not just an amatory conquest.

love is when you feel at home even when you're not at home.
because he makes you feel whole.

it is when every other person is playing to an affectation of hellos, and how are yous, but you are consciously being submerged in the ups and downs of a reality show. because things do get blown out of proportion sometimes, and as much as you dont want to, you still cry.

love is about finding time to spend with each other, whether on a long-distance phonecall or just sitting by the sidewalk together, trying to watch the world go by but really just drawing out the comfortable silence.

right?

but i thought wrong.

it is not that the flowers and birthday cards dont matter. like all other relationships, it is not just about how far you can go.. but how much you can take.

can you take the periods of neglect, when it feels like rejection but really is just a busy period at work? can you take the unreturned text messages that fell on blind eyes because studying for an important exam got in the way? do periods of non-communication eat you up inside, and you're tired of being the first to call? can you find it within yourself to understand completely, without expectations, when parents and friends take first place?

love is when every little thing matters, but nothing, absolutely nothing, changes the way you feel even when you know there is more to life than waiting around for the next romantic movie together.

there is no telling how or why or when i will know the feeling.

only the sky is the limit.

here in KL

2009-01-17T17:34:00.008+11:00

at Legend Hotel, for my parents' 25th wedding anniversary

it's been awhile.

the year spent in China flew by, and before i knew it, i was whisked away back to the familiarity of home. everything about home reminds me of something.

round-table dinners remind me of my teenage weekend family dinners where we always order too much, which speaks for how we still eat too much today. the traffic lights remind me of the hours we spent getting caught in traffic jams, and how Malaysian drivers have a knack for staring at road accidents. at least i know now that China isnt that much different. the shopping complexes always seem bigger, expanding in height somehow, and there are even more brand names to spoil shopaholics all over. turning into my street, i was reminded of how i used to watch little kids chase each other on their miniature bicycles while walking Chester. that was back when us neighbours still caught up for girly chats during evening walks, when time still passed in opportune steps without the lure of the car or night-outs.

there are more wine-chillers in the house, which means more parties and more toasts to come. but alcohol isnt everything anymore. spending time reading a good book with comfy shorts somehow feels more inviting. one day, im gonna travel around Malaysia and know the cultures and cuisines like the back of my hand, just like how i made Australia and China my second homes once.

there's just something about viewing old things with new eyes.

i still love my bed:)

10 things I learnt about China

2008-11-06T13:02:00.046+11:00

The Forbidden City, Beijing

1- The People

The habits and ways of the Chinese people are by far the most intriguing aspect to me. Squatting and spitting are as common as tea and flavoured hard-boiled eggs. Added on to this is the tiny-dog fetish (really a limit on dog size imposed on residents within the 3^rd ring road in Beijing) who are treated like the little kings and queens (refer: one child policy) of the family. These pets are fattened up with so much goodness that their bodies tilt from side to side when they trotter on the streets. Let us not get started on the culinary version of dog hotpot and dog on a stick/in a meal all over the country.

I immensely enjoy listening to the verbal banter on the streets even if Shanghainese is still inaudible to me. And of course there is the ‘stop & look’ phenomena similar to KL where crowds gather in an instant upon smelling the chance of a potential verbal/physical fight on the street, or if an old peddler spreads out his admittedly shoddy goods on the steps and attempts to promote each item as ‘useful or ‘valuable’ with much vigour.

Street Market, Old Shanghai ; Puppies for Sale, Yanchang Road, Shanghai

2- Vibrant Nightlife

It’s like seeing a different side of China after the sun sets; no longer do you see the conservative-looking office workers scurrying off with oversized bags on the streets, but beautiful ladies decked out in classy/skimpy outfits complete with booty shaking moves, and a whole load of hormone-raging men who dress up but let a few buttons down the front loose. Night lights line the popular streets and provide scenery for leisurely strolls and snap-worthy shots.

Enter many bars and don’t be surprised to feel like you’re not in China at all, with large crowds of obvious laowais dominating the space. The local clubs, however, are full with underaged girls and boys who are up for a good time.. and more. Have to say that Sanlitun in Beijing is still tops for cheap drinks at places like Nanjie, Tun bar, Bar Blu and the like (RMB 10= RM 5= AUD 1.2 for a cocktail and RMB 100= RM 50 = AUD 16 for 12 shots), while Shanghai is the place to be for ladies with free drinks every single day of the week if you know where to go. For the alchoholics, open bars (all you can drink for RMB 100) are common in Muse, Bon Bon or Mural.

Bar-hopping in Sanlitun, Beijing ; Landmark Building on Nanjing Road, Shanghai

The Bund, Shanghai ; Old School Beats at Windows Bar, Shanghai

3- Glorious Food

This has to be one of the biggest treats that China can give you. . The people from Guangdong province are said to eat everything under the sun, "广东人什么都吃，天上只有飞机不吃，地下只有板凳不吃"，and I have to say that an inate part of me still remembers my ancestral roots.

My favourite cuisine in particular (we’ll exclude my lifelong love with anything Indian) is Xinjiang for its ample portions of meat and its Muslim tastes that distantly remind me of Malaysian spice, Guangdong for its light and fresh tastes especially in Cantonese 点心(dimsum/yumcha), YunNan for its generous use of mushrooms and exquisite flavour, Machuria 东北 for its handmade jiaozi dumplings, Mongolian hotpot 蒙古火锅, Shanghai for its 小笼饱 (steamed dumplings with soup to suck out) and 生前饱 (same deal but pan-fried) and all the Street food 小吃 like 前饼 (flour packaged with deep-fried tofu flake), chinese pancake, 肉松饱 (meat floss pastry) found in any reasonably local area that makes for the best breakfasts!

I’ve also recently taken a unbreakable affinity to bread made of wheat/yam with a sizable piece of butter/blueberry cake nestled right in the middle of it. Unfortunately, the opportunity to sample authentic Hakka cuisine has not materialised.

Wangfujing Night Market, Beijing ; Xinjiang Noodles Maestro, Suzhou, Jiangsu Province

4- Crowd Ethics

Much like squeezing the pulp out of an orange to get its juice, taking the subway during peak hours is not for the light-hearted. I’ve slowly learnt to take it with a pinch of amusement, but sometimes I do get aggravated to the point of insanity and resort to the occasional swearing and 不要推！only to regret my outbursts afterwards. But still, where else can you see people dodge swinging armpits LOL, reading newspapers at 6cm proximity, and use their elbows for such aggressive purposes? Some youngsters practically jump into a packed train even when it is bursting at the door seams with people. There is never a lack of company anywhere in this country.

National Holiday 84,000-strong crowd per day, Summer Palace, Beijing ; Beijing Subway Station

5- Laowai Adoration

Or it may just be condescending inclinations. Always thought to be the one with the deep pockets, the whites are assailed relentlessly by beggars, peddlars, and even the regular Chinese who jump at the chance to have a piece of the foreign-looking high nose.

"Sir, you want lady?", " Lady, you want watch/handbag/wallet?", " Sir/Lady, can I have a picture with you?"

Open Market, Yanjiao, Hebei Province

6- Powderful English

People here are so modest about their proficiency in English that it amazes me. Most are competent in language, if not fluent. The lack of English interaction could be the main barrier, but even then most Chinese students are more than willing to speak out in public using a language other than their mother tongue. There are notable differences in Beijing and Shanghai, with the latter enjoying a higher level of proficiency probably explainable by the larger manifestation of foreigners in the city.

7- Travelogue

With 56 ethnic groups, differing temperates, cultures and ways of life have sprung up from the 23 provinces, 5 autonomous regions, 4 municipalities and 2 specially administrative regions (lets be nice and assume Taiwan and China have held hands). My regret is not being able to travel to 4 other parts of China: Guangdong/Fujian to reconcile my ancestry roots and see the habitat genius of the tulou 土楼，Xinjiang to experience the distictly un-Chinese culture and spice-worthy Muslim food，Tibet for the Potala Palace and to make a trip up the highlands for a grasp of tranquility and Sichuan to see the aftermath/recovery of the province and maybe to hug a baby panda.

Horse-Riding in Inner Mongolia ; Desert Boots in Inner Mongolia

AIESECers at the UN-Habitat World Urban Forum, Nanjing ; Music Concert at the top of Yuejiang Tower, Nanjing

Camel Throttle, Inner Mongolia ; Yungang Grottoes, Shanxi Province

8- Organic Growth

How far and fast China has come since the Cultural Revolution (which is another story altogether). It is the only place that warrants a visit every year because so much would have changed in that short span of time. 6 months is enough to build an edifice of 40 floors, complete with retail and recreational facilities. The Olympic Park, amongst other things, is a testament to this. The cost of living has also been accelerating in urban cities, and most will not be able to survive on less than RMB 25 a day. However, the toilet works, while immensely improved, may reek of 'smells' because toilet paper cannot be flushed down the bowl. Baby steps.

Bird's Nest the National Stadium, Beijing ; Water Cube the Aquatic Stadium, Beijing

9- Government Regulation

The Great Firewall has toned down on its operations of late, but there are of course sensitive issues that will not turn up on your search engine such as the Tiananmen Square Massacre. The media has opened up bit by bit, and officers who receive bribes hit the headlines in no time. Traffic lights are not meant to serve any purpose, and peeing is encouraged at the scene of crime (refer to left picture). And despite the outright ban on the presence of NGOs, AIESEC in China as a company is still one of the fastest-growing LCs in the world with a growing base of dedicated and skilled members.

10- Working culture

Sensitive Asian values coupled with crude bigtime bosses magnifies the need to be gentle but firm. Employees work to get through the hours, and the minority who dream big dreams limb the ranks. Unproductivity is quite the norm, motormouth business clinchers (没问题,没问题!) are aplenty, and the same can be said for the sometimes unintentional afternoon naps and apple breaks. Definitely an experience to take away from working in 2 of China's major cities. Event volunteers are on the other end of the sprectrum though; selfless and ever ready to help, I have always wondered how they would withstand the pain of standing the whole day while being treated like slave labour. Turns out that voluntary contribution to a large event, say Beijing Olympics or the recent UN World Urban Forum, will not only impart intrinsic pleasure, but also add value to your CV.

World Urban Forum Exhibition Centre, Nanjing ; Sitting Volleyball Work Station, Paralympic Games, Beijing

In conclusion, being an overseas Chinese with fairly near blood ties (grandpa is a Taipu Hakka that came from a certain Fuliao village in GuangDong/Fujian), I see many cultural similarities and differences between the Malaysian Chinese and Mainland Chinese. Subtle inclinations still hold strong, such as the proper respectful way of addressing elders in your extended family, and the emphasis on education and eating customs. Meanwhile, there are tangible differences moving down south.. during Chinese New Year for example, jiaozi (dumplings) is not a mainstay dish but instead we have yeesang, a communal and celebratory dish where all members of the family gather around to toast (by using chopsticks to mix the ingredients) outloud in Cantonese to the new year. Originally Malaysian.

San tai gin hong! cheong meng bak sui! lin lin gam leng!:)

the good the bad and the beautiful

2008-10-19T20:05:00.010+11:00

the good

- 生前饱 and spicy-sour noodles on wujiang road, lilian cake egg tarts, bubble tea and turkish breakfasts
- evening walks after work along huaihai road where beautiful faces on huge billboards stare at you while you people-watch
- AIESEC Regional Induction Conference in Jiangsu where new friendships overshadowed the shiny 4-star apartment
- having friends from Beijing in close proximity again, rekindling old times in a new place
- exploring old shanghai by peeking into torn down shikumens where sturdy bamboo sticks hold up the livelihood of many

the bad

- overpriced drinks at classy bars where people dont dance to good music
- officers in the metro station shouting repeatedly over the PA system to tell you that the metro line is now closed (so get out)
- bargaining your way through any shopping transaction because the starting price is always ballooned to multiple proportions
- bureaucracy in every institution coupled with grey areas at work that throws certainty out of the window

..and the beautiful

- the tight AIESEC network among locals, interns and alumni; providing a welcome getaway by inundating everyone's calendar (and inboxes) with daily activities
- the housemates at The Palace who make for entertainment and late-night chats; giving almost a family-like support that transcends just average friendships
- the growing circle of friends; restoring your faith in the people under the AIESEC banner and its borderless international network
- the possibility of so many opportunities, so many new cultures to learn about, and so many countries to travel to.. if i have the chance, the money and the time.

how far can you go?

yeah, shanghai is starting to be pretty damn awesome:)

beijing is way cleaner than shanghai

2008-10-07T00:17:00.007+11:00

at least from what i've seen so far.

the streets leading to my apartment complex, otherwise known as 'the palace', are filled with little eateries, convenience stores and fruit gardens that produce as much junk as they do the enticing smell of fresh bread and spicy soup.

and i still find myself instinctively walking away a little faster whenever i hear someone perform a gurgling/cackling throaty noise that will inevitably lead to a blot of spit on the ground.

cosmopolitan as it is, the glam clan is mostly only seen in the endless shopping complexes that line the city streets and colour the night sky on Nanjing Road.

the Bund is currently home to a long stretch of construction site, probably in preparation for the World Expo 2010. ah, but still no obstacle for the scores of locals who fill the entire viewing platform adjacent to the Huangpu River.

the skies are foggy, and while the weather is not as humid as it was in summer two months ago, is already slowly picking up winter's cold wind.

everywhere i hear the somewhat slurry-sounding shanghainese dialect, on the streets, at work, in restaurants, at supermarkets, on the metro..

speaking of which, the metro is another battlefield of pushing and jostling bodies with complete disregard for the ethics of ‘先下后上’ blared on the loudspeakers.

yes im here in shanghai. another nomad move, although not as painful as expected. thank you for making the transition all that much easier.

now im really on my own. again.

destructive

2008-09-25T15:01:00.007+10:00

the pakistan mariott hotel suicide bombing that inflicted pain on too many..

the 2 year detention of RPK in what is supposed to be a need for religious rehabilitation..

the reckless implementation of nonsensical policies and baseless institutions set up to bring 'democracy'..

contaminated milk that has hindered many all over the world from their daily dose of dairy products..

the collapse of what is supposed to be one of the strongest financial markets in the global money-obssessed world..

the usage of taxpayer's funds to buffer the loss of stability brought upon by ambitious firms themselves..

the inadequacy and inefficiency of certain departments to ease the transition of their employee transferring to Shanghai..

the debilitating fear that numbs your body in the night's cold when you realize you're being stalked by a random guy on the street..

the impounding sense of loss and loneliness that drowns the mind, heart and soul every time solitude beckons..

the wave of tears that give a merely temporary form of release, only to hit again relentlessly..

the helplessness that stares at you in the face, knowing that you can do nothing about everything at all.

My Paralympics Story

2008-09-18T22:36:00.029+10:00

The Paralympics Opening Ceremony at Bird's Nest

and the spectacle began.

being the lesser-known other half, the Paralympic Games is a parallel competition held alongside the Olympic Games. first held in Rome in 1960, the Beijing Games had about 4,200 participants from 147 countries. while the Beijing Olympics boasted grandeur and splend0ur that exceeded ordinary expectations, the Beijing Paralympics shared a genuine and heartfelt love that transcended the extraordinary.

i was privileged enough to have a taste of the Paralympics spirit because dad sits on the Asia Oceania Committee Volleyball for Disabled (AOCVD). With an official tag that allow you access into any sporting venue and VIP lounge, playing unofficial interpreter and tour guide has given me an insight into the Games and allowed me to meet many inspiring people from around the world. technical directors who stress over the most minute details because they want to create a flawless flow of events, competition managers who devote themselves to organising everything but still find time to show you around, and sports officials who are passionate about their respective sport.

more importantly, the Paralympics athletes, whose zest for life has gained them more respect than any able-bodied athlete. among the lessons learnt while watching Paralympians compete is that you first have to have self-respect before others can respect you. acceptance of your own strengths and shortcomings can go a long way in making dreams come true.

福牛乐乐 at the Games Village

sitting volleyball at China Agricultural Gymnasium

from the VIP stand

the First Lady at the Malaysian Embassy

Opening Night inside Bird's Nest

athletics: 800m on wheels

some of us volleyball regulars Malaysian delegation!

Sports Minister & KL Mayor in Beijing's Kedutaan Malaysia

swimming at the Water Cube
traversing the Juyongguan Great Wall with a helpful volunteer

wheelchair basketball at Wukesong Stadium
dinner with close friends at 花家怡园

gold to China

Closing Night outside Bird's Nest

it has been the week of a lifetime.
a memorable end to my chapter here in Beijing, and a good start to a new Shanghai journey.

The Paralympics Closing Ceremony at Bird's Nest

the flame fades under the fireworks extravaganza

misunderstood but it's okay

2008-09-04T02:45:00.007+10:00

when casual catch-ups turn into obligations. or social gatherings turn out to be nothing more than aimless roaming with multiple detours. something which is both amusing and disturbing at the same time. hey, i tried. it's tough to accommodate all when time itself is a mighty opponent.

when others disapprove, and assume the worst without understanding. so being nice is said to be too friendly, and being cold is called using the trump card. im just being myself. what if this actually is the real deal?

when physical attraction remains to be the only draw. and the lines of familiarity get entangled with what shouldnt be. what makes me feel whole again may only be a temporary illusion that may hurt much more than it rejuvenates. silly as it sounds, sometimes being mean is to mean well.

when too much spice causes daily discomfort. but never bad enough to deter relentless gastronomical adventures from the deprived soul. . only to be accused of being gluttony.

when seeing is feeling heartpangs and knowing that more needs to be done. more time spent, more walks and talks together, more love shown and shared with loved ones. including the loyal dogs we call our best friends. i wish with all my heart i could.

~~
but i am blessed enough to be able to laugh. and cry. express my emotions with friends whom i will always share a bond with.

to speak my mind and share my innermost thoughts with a treasured brother who listens and shares with equal trust. to hope that he knows his 19th birthday means the world even if i cant be there.

to explore familiar haunts with renewed delight and seek new pleasures with newfound vigour. nothing better than to sample local tastes with family. and revel in the usual banter that keeps me sane and grounded. to know without a doubt that there is nothing that stands between blood.

to love, and be loved in return. and hopefully make others happy in the process. im still learning.

it's good to be back, but the days have never felt so short.. it's as though they were snatched away before i could fully absorb the force of it.
if anything, it is fuel to last the next two trying months before the next trip home.

let success be measured by the happiness in your heart

2008-08-21T20:04:00.003+10:00

In the midst of little observations and quiet realizations, i found the above quote to be beyond many's reach.

Olympics Opening Night 080808

2008-08-09T18:04:00.010+10:00

pictures speak louder than words.

Sanlitun Bar Street; the 5 Olympic rings was a spectacular sight, even on the screen

beer, chips and baijiu all around; but we were still hungry for more

Sanlitun Open Area & Worker's Stadium North Gate; where we joined in the endless chants of '加油中国!' till our voices were hoarse

some of the happy people; Australian flag or not, Malaysia still Boleh!

beach volleyball prelims tomorrow, a good chance for a tan!=D

Beijing skies

2008-08-02T12:30:00.016+10:00

on a typical foggy day, you can stare at the moon head-on, and wonder why it's so huge in evenings, and in a strong orange hue that stands out in the grey sky. okay, so maybe some have told me that it's actually the sun. still, a sight to behold.

on a lazy afternoon, people-watching while leisurely strolling the streets at Beijing's popular spot for its scenic lake views and traditional courtyard houses 四合院. kudos to the guy who sat on his rooftop with a Tsingtao beer in hand; a pretty damn cool way to watch the flurry of activities below.

at a pivotal bridge crossing at Hou Hai 后海

on a spontaneous night, you unexpectedly catch the soothing fountains and night lights along the park, a scenic prelude to witnessing the string of high-end shopping malls coming to life along the streets. and of course, we couldnt resist battling it out in mindless arcade games that provided many laughs and much-needed endorphins.

the Chinese Catholic Church at Wangfujing 王府井

.. and on a clear day, you can even glimpse the far mountains that you never even knew existed, and watch the clouds envelope the CBD in its white and blue glory.

from the 21st floor of LG Twin Towers 双子座大厦

in front of Jianguomenwai Avenue 建国门外大街

crazy.

crazy beautiful.

just like how friendships are.

even if it's an exhausting talk in between the zooming subways trains, or a long-distance phone call on another sleepless night. or the well-meaning comments, and the casual e-mails.

yeah.

it's the little things that catch you on your way down. so even if everything isnt okay, there's always something worth living for.

thank yous.

.

2008-07-23T21:54:00.007+10:00

everyday after work, i find myself looking for something i dont even know.

i'll walk into the Ole Supermarket at the Twin Mall. sometimes i come out with 3 pastries, sometimes 1, sometimes i dont buy anything. today i bought a sandwich.

i'll walk aimlessly along DongDaQiao Road, hoping to come across an interesting store that would catch my eye. there never is any treasure to stumble upon.

i'll walk into many titbit stalls, fast food eateries and sweet-smelling bakeries along the way. sometimes i look at the menu, feel disappointed, and walk out. most of the time, i buy something i dont even want to eat. but i finish it anyway.

i'll browse through Zara, Mango, Jessica, and other the retail outlets at The Place, twice over, in the casual, women's and men's section. of course, i've never once found a decent piece that i wanted to try on, or buy for someone.

then i'll go to every bus stop, trying to find the right bus to take me back to the apartment, even though a part of me already knows i'll end up getting on a random bus after checking 10 bus stops. the bus conductor can tell me the way anyway.

or i'll feel the wind brush against my skin every 3 minutes in the subway station, because i watch every train open its doors.. but never get in. because i just cant be stuffed to join the mass of angry people mashed up inside the train.

and i'll get to Dongzhimen station, and confuse myself with the gate entrances despite having moved into the apartment for almost a month now. and after making the same mistake everyday, i'll walk into Ole Supermarket again, this time at Ginza Mall, and look through their bread section that i already know like the back of my hand. i'll still walk around the aisle anyway, deliberating, but knowing that it would be the same variety as yesterday. most of the time, i end up buying the same flaky pastry with butter cake inside. the one time i bought their chocolate cake, i almost puked from the sickly sweet chocolate syrup and abundant cream. today i bought yogurt.

i'll then walk to the mini supermarket opposite my apartment, and pick up cheap, random junk that i know will make me hate myself when im done with eating them. but i do it anyway.

and every night after hating myself i'll try to sleep, but end up tossing and turning. or having little naps with vivid dreams that bother me. and so i dont really sleep.

i drive myself to the point of disgust at the food i eat, the money i spend, the time i waste and the lifestyle i lead. but i also cant be bothered to change.

i think something inside me has died.

and i dont know how to go about it anymore.

love weekends

2008-07-20T21:55:00.018+10:00

especially waking up to a stream of sunlight gently flooding the room on a glorious afternoon. it's idyllic to just lie in bed snuggling against Honey, Whale-phin, three other pillows and a light comforter. makes for a great start to the day.

today's screening of Boomtown Beijing provided an insight into how the lives of some of the city dwellers have changed in tandem with the upcoming Beijing Olympics 2008. on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the cozy Salud Bar at Nanluoguxiang, a few of us AIESECers trespassed into the seemingly ordinary lives of a passionate 12 year old child, a righteous taxi driver, a visually-impaired athlete and an educated elderly man. irrevocably linked, all three harbour noble dreams of making a difference for themselves, their family, and the country they call home.

the documentary was admirably local, touching on the importance of before and after rather than focusing on the grand show of today. filmed a year ago, the story tries to capture the essence of Beijingers living in the countdown of the upcoming Olympics. the film explores the tribulations of a young boy who wants to be an Olympic torchbearer, a taxi driver who wants to be a model citizen for the world to see, a determined athlete who wishes to bring home a Paralympic gold medal for his country, and a determined old man who wants more than anything to share the Chinese art of stick-flipping and ribbon-dancing.

it makes me think of how far Beijing has come since the days of extremely-tight government control, of how astounding sky scrapers now adorn the city's grey skies, and of the changes it has brought to society. in the subtle ways of society behaviour, materialistic desires are interwoven with a genuine need to retain sanity in a city where rapid growth is the only way to go. some have gladly embraced the economy growth, and along with that western cultural infiltratons and mindsets.. but is it at the expense of their identity? the children of today no longer do their own farming to bring rice home, while the old still plant vegetations in their relocated apartment compounds because they cannot let go of a lifestyle that was so ingrained in them.

do the locals all wait in anticipation of what the Olympics has to bring, or have they already spit out the bitter taste of what is to come in light of critical media spotlight from the world? do they understand the government's ambitious plans for infrastructure and technology, or do they clamour away at the remaining bits of familiar sanctuary soon to be given up for modern housing? what is the best way to preserve cultural heritage while alleviating poverty and providing a higher standard of living for the huge mass of people living under the five-star-red-flag banner? does such a way exist without compromising the virtues of yesterday?

if there was something i took away from today, it's that behind every champion is a multitude of failed attempts by other determined but forgotten souls. and it is the latter that makes the outcome extraordinary.

funny how

2008-07-08T00:44:00.010+10:00

chinese men wear their shirts halfway up on the streets, showcasing tummy glory for all to see. the feel of cool breeze against sweaty skin must be well worth the exposure..

a bowl of 小豆面 doesnt taste as good as it should in a solitary meal, as compared to when there was company. how come it makes such a big difference?

text on the computer screen seem to get smaller each day. i have been enlarging the text size to 150% their original size, or hitting the Ctrl + too often. this cant be a call for spectacles...?!

changing rooms in china gyms have no doors, no curtains and no shame. the shower hall is a mass of water and naked bodies that strut their stuff like no tomorrow. awesome.

senior managers have a publicly-assumed right to throw tantrums in mid-day. throw in an unfortunate local employee, some heels and a pretend-nonchalant audience to boot. that's office drama for you.

every monday has been a renewal of diet vows, because they keep getting broken with KFC cravings, McDonalds dinners, instant noodle suppers and ice-cream indulgence. did i mention beer?

having a slightly less harrowing trip on the subway involves spending more time traveling. just leave the house half an hour before you should, and work another hour overtime. simple measures to tire your body, but rest your crowd-averse soul.

moving closer to work also meant leaving loved ones behind.. in a way. got so attached to wangjing and its people that it felt like i was moving away from home, instead of moving into a my own home. why does every little thing remind me of goodbyes?

there is a distinct odour in every mode of public transport. step in for a whiff of everyday stench. welcome to Beijing, where sun and sweat play together in summer.

having a shower is essentially a game of luck. the temperature rotates from icy cold to steaming hot in 3 minutes. i shower for 15. one minute you're testing the water.. the next minute you're jumping out of it.

walking is the best remedy for everything. heavy dinners feel lighter, lines of thought become clearer and heartaches are less of an ache. the puppy search in the rain with a good-hearted korean stranger was cool. now moving on to finding comfortable working shoes..

things start falling into place just when you thought you have hit the roof. you look back and laugh at yourself, and be thankful for the friends who not only put up with your crap but waddled in the mud with you. you both, especially.

im looking forward to the best 前并 opposite the apartment tomorrow. crispy goodness, cant wait :D

different name same game

2008-07-04T01:26:00.014+10:00

how do you expect me to believe you?

you and your sugar sweet words and beautiful bluntness. i may have unwittingly played your game before, but it was naivety that did me in, and unjustified assumption that made you lose the match. the first time was nothing more than empty guilt, but the second time you made me hope. it was obvious the fittings did not suit the layout, yet i turned a blind eye to the misfit. thrice stupid, except this time, i am not going to let it get past tonight. i may have partook of your luring scheme, but this is only a short-term stay.

i just cant believe you almost fooled me again.

there never is a right one, is there?

silly me, to spend my few free hours searching for something, anything, that could remotely deceive me into believing that there could be a connection, however small that link may be. of course there were the right moments. the casting glance lasts a split second too long, and you know in that instant that there is meaning to more than meets the eye. the customary parting step, the barely audible whisper that traces the last farewell.. and more. the design is perhaps more creative than before, but there is still nothing one can do to the blueprint. and so the same people half-battle, half-concede to a setting that is so strikingly similar to what was before. no agreement. no resolution. no truths. or maybe this is the truth.

to want to believe, to secretly hope, to be afraid of being disappointed again.. these are the traits of the willing fool.

apartment-hunting sucks.
so does the humid weather, horrible civic attitude of the local Chinese and the reckless drivers on the road.
it is fucking rock bottom when the past catches up with you, and you are reminded of things you thought you forgot about.

there's something in the air..

2008-06-25T20:34:00.003+10:00

.. makes you wonder if you're breathing in air or smog.

the week has been a blur of festivities ranging from hanging out at 南锣鼓巷, travelling across 望京 looking for a badminton court, meeting thomas' incredibly nice chinese colleagues, discussing, worrying and then re-evaluating the job at Savills, having a rain adventure in 三利屯, and of course, being forced to walk up & down 26 flights of stairs.

i know better than to let this week go without appreciating the little things; like learning the bus system, knowing the best spot to stand on the subway, and finding home on a white and orange sofa. cannot believe i will join the throng of workaholics next week!

so long, farewell..

2008-06-18T16:59:00.031+10:00

i wish not to say goodbye.

it is said the world over, and repeated too many times, but time really just flew by. cannot even begin to comprehend how this experience will affect me in the future, whether directly or indirectly. to have people from all over the world flock to Beijing, for the purpose of learning the language, and by so, understand that little bit more about the intricasies of the Chinese culture. we are different from each other in so many aspects, but yet like-minded enough to want to learn. to know. to share. i have made so many new friends; some close enough to randomly give a call wherever they may be in the world, while others make a memory of my time at BLCU. it almost feels like stolen time, because everyone comes together for too short a time just to steal a few good moments.

today was the last day of class. in room 210, we shared our experiences with our three teachers who painstakingly taught us with more patience than you and me combined.

郭老师, 我最后明白为什么您觉得我们俩的想法很像. 有很多事情, 虽然遇到困难, 我们都能做得好. 我希望未来也能坚持克服什么困难, 然后可以一起分享我们的亲身体验. 董老师, 您教得真好. 老师上课很精彩, 所以我们同学从来都不觉得无聊. 我们的口语水平很快就可以提高是因为有您的关照. 封老师, 我们都觉得您对同学们真耐心呀! 因为您的皮肤白白的, 所以穿着红色的衣服真相配.在我们的心里, 老师们已经留下了很大的印象.我非常感谢!

flowers, thank you cards, little notes, and even a class video can only add on to the colourful experiences we had in the classroom, and out of it. funny how 3 months can do so much. doing an intensive language course is like going on a holiday with a 100 other strangers, only to find that they are the brothers and sisters that God forgot to give you. maybe one day our paths will cross again, in Beijing, or in another part of the world. for now, i wish all of you the very best.

(the sweetest, Beijing kaoya dinner, joyful jess' birthday, toothy tomo's birthday, at Mutianyu Great Wall of China, at Bei Hai Park, limestone cave before Shidu, night out at Pyro's & Propaganda, all smiles, Olympic Stadium Birds' Nest for China Athletics Open, spell BLCU at Inner Mongolia desert, the best classmates, farewell dinner at Conference Centre, acting stupid at Tian Tan, exploring Tsinghua & Beijing Uni on a bicycle)

the jump

2008-06-04T15:44:00.007+10:00

Shi Du (十渡), dubbed the Guilin of the North

your heart pumps too fast, your pulse rocks your insides, your hands tremble ever so slightly. on your left, friends clutch at you, undecided between the anticipation of an exquisite adrenaline rush or the tiny possibility that this might actually hurt. on your right, the tiny platform beckons menacingly at you, the last step on solid ground before you plunge headfirst into a seemingly endless drop. you laugh your fears away, half-wishing you could turn back and walk down the safe route. sensations numb your brain, a heady rush consuming your entire self. it is already your turn. you say your goodbyes, smile your bravest smile, and drag your feet to the plank.

images flash through your mind.. barely registering.
Him. dad. him. home. Peter Pan's Wendy. the mountains ahead, the river below. girlfriends jumping after you.

you lift your hands up at your sides, titanic-style.

for a moment, you are on top of the world..

and then you start falling.

good thing the scenery was quite a sight, even with cloudy weather.

just because.

2008-05-21T00:17:00.025+10:00

why bother
I write because I want to remember. I want to look back 20 years from now, and indulge in reminiscence at past adventures, laugh at once-special lovestruck jolts, see how far Ive come since the days of old reflections, gross humour and childlike naivety. Because hey, if I don’t even know what’s gonna happen tomorrow, how else will I remember today?

I write because I want my friends to know that I'm still surviving little struggles and living big dreams, and well, maybe stuck in an emotional rut sometimes. If they drop a line to say hi and share their own life stories, that usually more than makes my day. As for being too cryptic, it' because I still find the blogsphere too revealing for my own good. To share the more intimate details of my personal life is to be like the rose trees strutting their colours along Beijing's streets, just waiting to be plucked! I both admire and am appalled at those who have no qualms with online privacy.

I write because I want to know what others think about issues that I hold close to my heart. In a way, it also keeps me accountable to my words. I want to hear like-minded thoughts, different opinions and perhaps a whole new aspect beyond what I already know.

Outside The Forbidden City

sunny side-up
There are extremely good moments caught over lunch breaks with some classmates. Like when we had an incredibly meaningful but downright hilarious conversation about what our 最理想的职业 will be. Over the noise and dank atmosphere in the 食堂,we exchanged our thoughts on the ideal profession in a unique language mixture of Chinese, English and Indonesian. More amusing is the volleyball jargon I've picked up from the locals on the courts, a delightful few hours almost every evening.

Weekends are interesting, because there really is quite a bit to do here if you wanna play tourist. From the cultural class trips to Bei Hai Park (北海公园) and Temple of Heaven (天坛), to weekly get-togethers with the city dwellers who live 8 subway stops away, the experience feels more of a growing journey than Melbourne was. There was also the surprisingly successful picnic out at Chao Yang Park with a random bunch of people thrown together on a lovely Sunday afternoon. definitely up for more jianzi, volleyball with a soccer ball and cheese with french loaf!

Picnic at Chao Yang Gong Yuan

Class Outing to Bei Hai Gong Yuan

From Melbourne to Beijing

B8 goes to Tian Tan

mental wars

Then there’s the horrible days where I stuff down half a tub of peanut butter in one sitting, and spend the remaining hours of the day hating myself for that. Only to finish the other half the next day. It's incredibly tiring trying to refrain from puking when your post-meal conscience eats away at your insides.

Being a woman also means it's really easy to come crashing down after a high. Worse still, it hits you without you even realizing it. A lazy meal of porridge, a snippet of earthquake updates, a text from home.. any one enough to render you to tears within seconds. for no apparent reason! am so wired for a rocky week ahead.

Sunset at Chao Yang Gong Yuan

the hike up
Now that I've finally gotten internet credit, I can dedicate time to some serious job-matching. Furthermore, I'm not going to turn on the television for the whole of tomorrow, because waking up to the earthquake updates every day just ends up starting your day on a sombre note. Instead, I’ll turn up Last Night A Deejay Saved My Life (the Fabulous version) to get the body grooving.

And my goodness, no more peanut butter for a month. For real.

If you try hard enough, one day it'll all be alright.

heartbreaking

2008-05-14T19:56:00.007+10:00

A blur of scenes playing across the tv screen..

the si chuan earthquake, and the thousands of lives that were lost along with it. Images of children being slowly extracted from underneath the rubble.. some conscious, some barely surviving, many already in the hands of death. the sight of the physically-bruised with their tattered clothes and the emotionally-strung with their helpless demeanour, are enough to render anyone to tears. some parents mourn next to unmoving bodies, some are still hoping for a miraculous recovery. green-clothed volunteers still push on despite the rain, restoring order to a seemingly fallen city. buildings are standing no more, instead there are too many battered souls on the streets, too broken to do much but wish for a better tomorrow..

..as if people around the world werent already busy killing each other with haply spoken words, uncontrollable machine guns and suicidal human bombs. this host of natural disasters swamping myanmar, the states and now china cant possibly be any better.

with closed eyes and an open heart

2008-05-10T16:55:00.008+10:00

with a little bit of luck and a lot of faith, i pray that the next 1 and a half months will reveal to me..

happiness and goodwill, for family back home and friends around the world that are sorely missed

peace of mind, that a definite plan will materialize itself in the precarious near future

more of Beijing's beauty, through sights that awe and tastes that satisfy

a greater understanding, of people and the workings of their mind, of the Chinese Language and its intricate but incredible depth

less guilt trips, from the grasps of over-eating, over-spending, and an under-par resolve to stick to the priority list

a new lease of life, from new adventures, new friends and new discoveries that will expand the breadth of which i view life.

of great things and the great wall

2008-04-25T02:57:00.007+10:00

peach blossoms at the Mutianyu Great Wall of China

as part of the school's syllabus, we were treated to a trip up the Mutianyu side of 中国长城. the climb up was a test of endurance for 100 odd students who either had a late thursday night at the pub, or had not quite mentally woken up from their morning slumber. it was worth the sweat though. culturally, the walls have been restored to a melancholic worn-out beauty. bricks lined in the millions snake across the slopes, so you get a different view at every turn. fortresses carry little statues of animals on the edges of distinctly Chinese roofs, perhaps more likely a shelter from rain and shine now. historically, it really is a tragic wonder how a border could have been first built just using rammed earth, construction surviving through all weather hindrances.. and of course, demand for manpower. for the millions who died building the wall.. their footprints will forever be remembered in what is now one of wonders of the medieval world. the the pictures do not do much justice to the vast stretch, but it might give you a gist of it..

vast landscape in backdrop

lonely donkey

peeking through

with class teachers

on the way up

as far as the eye can see

one of the fortresses

snaking stretch

weekends have been a blur of festivity; from drinks out at san li tun to dangerous card games with too much at stake to catch ups at dawn over instant noodles with a certain fave aussie who just arrived.. there barely is time for homework! local beer is cheap enough for daily drinks, and a great compliment to almost every meal. pyro pizza has the university crowd going in for decent food, beer pong and happy hour drinks after 10pm. shopping takes a great load of emotional strength to hold your ground for a good bargain.. so there's nothing like ice-cream in between breaks of coursing through aisles of goodies in the silk markets. have made it a point to do one destination per week.. bei hai gong yuan this saturday!

thomas' brilliant idea

weekly haunt

15 RMB meal

entrance to 'ugly but tasty gimbab' restaurant!

fish-gazing in a neighbouring uni

every meal's accompaniment

chor dai di at 'the tree house'

for aspiring learners of the Chinese Language, ChinesePod does a very decent job in enlightening you on Chinese culture, while being educational entertainment. there are different levels to suit your understanding, but i found this episode of eating out in a 'Bad Service Restaurant' interesting: a taste of BSR .. and no, it's really not that bad having a meal here. the road ethics in Wu Dao Kou however, is still a fighting case. if anything, im getting better at dodging impatient cars and angry bicycles.

much to learn..

the place to be

2008-04-10T15:30:00.020+10:00

so i had a bite of crunchy deep-fried scorpion.
it was like eating prawns, with the little legs hanging out from the bottom.
it was quite good.
but while the experience was awfully exhilarating, courage took a harrowing turn for the worse when baby birds came into the picture. three salted bbq xiao niaos on a stick, between 6 of us. i had the head. i think i bit into the gooey brains in the first mouthful. might just go vegetarian for a week to get over the guilt=[

that aside, the exquisite taste of Wang Fu Jing is something to remember.

shopping malls line up next to each other, while casually breaking into little lanes housing stalls of sugar-coated fruit sticks, amongst others. rows of red lanterns drape the air, welcoming people of all ages into its humble abode. stall vendors beckon to you at every turn, tempting you into buying into the Chinese delicacies- be it a handful of dumplings, or meat on a stick (no, not just starfish or lizards split into half on a stick..), milk in clay jars, or even small bowls of noodles that you can finish in three mouthfuls. other retailers invite you into a bargain game for souvenir-worthy collectibles like chopsticks, handmade keychains and knick knacks of the sort. the trails keep breaking up into more and more alleys that you find yourself exploring without any realization of how fast time passes. almost like getting lost in translation.

the stark contrast between the different worlds of Beijing is also captured in the above picture. Beijing opera houses with daily performances sit next to quaint little restaurants that decorate the embellished alleys.. but looming buildings under construction tower over the delicate features, almost as though threatening an impending take-over. the two converging ends of Beijing still amazes me. on the other side, the Foreign Language Bookstore tucks neatly into the corner the Wang Fu Jing square, its name well-known among BLCU international students for being one of the few bookstores stocking non-chinese books. at night, the street comes alive with the night market that is basically a culinary adventure of local delights for dinner. best probed with a couple of friends who are willing to put anything down their throats.. the variety is endless!

coming to Beijing is probably one of the few good decisions that i have made in my life. even with intensive 6 hour per day classes, BLCU makes life here an enjoyable stay with friendly teachers, excellent books (published by BLCU Press themselves) and ample opportunity to learn. the campus is very self-sufficient, with everything you need under its banner. the volleyball courts and running tracks have been my evening haunts (the sports arena here is pretty decent). the locals indulge in plenty of exercise daily, so it is no surprise that almost all of them are fit to the bone. being one of the few Malaysians here in BLCU, the circle of friends is still mostly international and therefore very multi-cultural. it is not uncommon to have a language partner to make learning the language easier. dinner, homework and drinks at the local cafes are almost a nightly ritual with plenty of affordable retreats on campus and around Wu Dao Kou.

it has been good so far.

hello beijing

2008-03-27T20:55:00.005+11:00

monday evening, i was battling the jam at jalan surian near the curve after a mad dash to the mall to get a pair of shoes.

monday night, i was stuck in KLIA trying to hold the tears in, while being secretly glad that the flight was delayed by an hour.

tuesday morning, i was sitting in a cab listening to the driver's slurred beijing mandarin, and mentally noting it sounded arabic.

tuesday afternoon, i was walking around the wu dao kou area for a relaxing form of sightseeing.

i liked what i saw..

the weather is splendid. cold, but pleasant. the sun warms you during the day, and a trench keeps you snug at night.

the people here.. well, i just need to learn up my mandarin. fast. then they'll stop asking me where i come from once i open my mouth.

the food is cheap. you can get a 4-dish chinese meal for about RMB12 per person. there are cafes that are cozier than your cat's basket just a stone's throw away. restaurants are aplenty, and a good meal is guaranteed if you know where to go. iv yet to try the bland beijing food that many speak of. the waiters at the muslim restaurant are the friendliest bunch, so far!

Despite its name, Beijing Language and Culture University campus feels more like a village, in a good way. You get pushed around from one dormitary to another (pulling a 25g luggage on the left hand, a 12kg hand luggage on the right, a handbag on the left shoulder, and a labtop on the right) because the reservation that you made twice, was somehow not recorded. You also get sent across the campus to make fee payments and registration. funny, how every building in the university operates separately from one another. Sole Proprietor Building No. 1, Sole Proprietor Building No. 2... i kid you not, the buildings are called as such, minus the Sole Proprietor bit. the less-than-typical library houses students looking for a quiet communal place to study.. there are no books to read save for purchases made from the bookstore.

however, i've gotten used to stepping over gaping holes in the ground, walking over half-cemented, half stoned walkways, dodging angry bicycles and cars alike, and have come to see the beautiful side of it. there are little parks situated between the dorms, places you can sit down and have a quiet chat while watching blue-tailed birds hop across the roots of the trees. a woodpecker joined the family tree today. there is a quaint little 'friendship store' one block away, which sells everything from handphones to stationery to toilet paper. there are soldier-lookalike security guards that look swell in their uniforms, because they stand so upright and smug you think they love their job. the sports arena entertains the likes of basketballers and volleyballers while showcasing the beauty of taichi and wushu enthusiasts. trees line the walkways in their autumn glory. the campus, and its surrounding areas, are heavy with the bustle of students, workers and teachers.

Dorm Building No. 6

Security guards doing their rounds at dawn

wandering out, there are huge shopping complexes lining the street.. but some entrances are somewhat obstructed by a construction site. it's perfectly normal to dodge around metal sticks, loose rocks and stern faces, just to get somewhere. the nearby cinema is showing 'the golden compass', but i wouldnt have known it was open for public until I saw the poster plastered on the wall outside. a friend here likens china to a big factory. i think he is pretty close to the truth.

i took my placement today. it was difficult=[ no way i could give the han yu pin yins to the 100 chinese characters on paper. classes start tomorrow itself. it will be hard work!

p.s. i cant view my blog, but i can blog. so Blogger is somewhat blocked in China. hmm..

edited 29th march
things i can do:
- blog
- read comments (as i get notifications)
- modify template

things i cant do:
- use pkblogs (as per isaac's recommendation, somehow it doesnt work for me)
- use proxy.pac in advanced network settings
- view chatbox

the walk of time

2008-03-19T03:17:00.032+11:00

Dec 2007:

Bringing Melbourne Alive

through rekindled reunions from home. birthday gifts that touch the heart and late night catch ups till 5am. hardly sleeping always eating, just your average tourist for the month. graduating through thunderstorm and sunshine, adding on to the joys and harsh realizations of the day. the crazy people i call friends who came to support me- you all made my day! (p.s. i miss you girls, and ironically, im seeing the guys in beijing soon) wine and dine, in not much style but lots of comfort. GPS-ing through long drives, SMS-ing in between naps, trigger-happy souls wandered through the sights and sounds in ultimate delight.

cuties

lazing at monash clayton

amateur golfer

tumultuous grad day

strawberries

so coooold!

boys like black umbrellas

Christmas at Sanctuary Lakes

huddle at the melb museum

beautiful coastline

Jan 2008:

Macau and everything in between

was supposedly a shopping paradise, both for the brand-conscious (macau) and for the thrifty fashionistas (other parts of China). the best company for whisky and dirty jokes during dinner. family friends are the kind of friends you keep as family, for all time. endless massages, by young but skilled masseurs. travelling from north to south to east to west, for the best culinary treats. winning at roulette, only to splurge on everything else. coffee was almost impossible to find. conversing in broken bits of mandarin, only to have them reply in cantonese.. bah. an interesting trip.

one of the busy squares(i dont remember what it's called!=[)

distinctly macau

inside the Venetian Casino/Hotel

Dr Sun Yat Sen's village

we couldnt take a proper one

'pushing' the steel doors

Wynn's extravagant Dancing Fountain Show

visiting ji lui (Pearl Lady) at Jihoi (Zuhai)

Feb 2008:

Chinese New Year

sparkling red with gorgeous hakka meals, day through night through dawn. obligatory wishes, added on to the overflowing yee sang. cries of forgotten faces and new additions to the family tree. kids blooming into teenagers, young adults looking for adventures abroad and beyond.. the old, smiling at them all. festivity joined in by two barking dogs who hate being left out of the chatter. some people change, but nothing bonds better than a deck of cards laid on the table of course.

we try to be young

some of us kids

take number 3

dining table

a yearly get-together

caught between glam aunties

March 25th, 2008:

Beijing, here I come.
12 weeks of intensive Mandarin classes at BLCU, and then off to realize an AIESEC internship. for the first time, im going alone.
Fingers crossed, the adventure begins.

and so she taught

2008-03-13T19:49:00.005+11:00

“We teach for our students, not for ourselves.”

Bumbling through her banter, she paused only to take a spoonful of meehoon sprinkled with spring onions and skinny prawns. Pak Li Kopitiam, another one of the mushrooming kopitiam outlets in Dataran Sunway, was the start of our culinary adventure for the day.

“If you spoon feed your students, how will they break out of their high school mindset, and think for themselves through a challenge? Results say something, but most importantly, you must groom them while they are still in their foundation year.” Outside, the drizzle turned into louder taps against the wooden canopy roof.

“And that’s why the few of you are around, to uphold what should have always been..”, I declared. “I used to think that there was a severe lack of professionalism in this industry, but I was proven wrong. You inspired us to break out of the mould, to have faith in ourselves to achieve the unthinkable. And look, we came out tops!” I looked back on M2, the class of 2004.

She smiled. “You guys were great. It’s the students that keep me going. But.. it's tiring. I’m getting tired of fighting the authority, of the accusations that fly around the office.” The sparkling eyes looked away for a split second, failing to disguise the pain harboured inside. “They’ve misled me into renewing my retirement contract for a higher position but a lesser involvement in the classroom, and now they give me scholars to teach… against my own will.”. A look of quiet disdain passed through her façade. “Scholars who question my competence the minute I step foot into class!”.

“I want a wholesome class I can develop; playful but intelligent students who listen, argue and accept with respect. I may get the blow during BOD meetings every week for underperforming results, but what do they know of the quality of my classes? At the end of the day, the year-end results speak for themselves. I am in no competition with the others who stuff look alike exam questions down their students’ throats. It’s about teaching them how to apply the concepts, and not regurgitating memorized answers.” She sighed. A strand of graying hair fell across her forehead.

The next instant, the shadow lifted.

“But more importantly, what are we going to have next?” Her eyes gleamed. We looked at each other- one, a former student, the other, an experienced mentor. I, along with many other of her students in her 30 odd years in education, was living proof of her dedication. Decades may have separated our age, but the bridge to friendships transcends time. How I loved this woman. Her passion to teach, her courage to fight for what she believes in, her optimism spilling over even in the bleakest moments. And the love of food! That does me in anytime.

“Well, there’s one of the best tau fu fas just down the street…”

sweet nothings

2008-02-27T19:37:00.003+11:00

even if i dont say it anymore,

you know I LOVE YOU.

tonight

2008-02-18T06:48:00.017+11:00

weird. i really thought i had it all under control. that leaving melbourne was a piece of cake, once you got all that not-so-important-junk thrown out of the tiny cramped room and the 100kgs worth of more-important-shit stuffed into suitcases ready to be flown home.

yeah, all it took was one flight back to summer paradise and i would start a new chapter of my life. no heart pangs, no melancholic daydreams.. zilch. absolutely nothing. i settled right back in, a little like how you would instinctively close a book after finishing it. this coming from someone who loved the over-proclaimed laidback lifestyle. it really was good, doing things at your own will.. sleeping whenever, or not sleeping at all.. fending and mending the self-nourished soul. making and stretching time, squeezing slots in.. doing grocery shopping like there was no tomorrow. the apartment was so cozy with all that keepsake around..

as a hoarder, i kept everything. name tags, cards, sugar cubes (mostly from AIESECers, and some so frayed at the edges they could tear any moment), tickets to every event ever went to, nice sms-es (copied down in a blue diary somewhere), envelopes, postcards.. anything that could possibly have a personal value in it, i kept it. the memories were just like yesterday. someone once said that i could possibly be living in the past. that passing comment stuck, for i was afraid that it might very well be true.

so how did i take one step forward and never looked back?

.. until tonight, that is.

something about tonight's little rendesvous caught me by surprise. just sitting at the overdue wooden table, abandoned by the waiters, lazing under The Curve's night's blanket. mildly amused, chuckling, talking about absolutely nothing and everything at the same time, seeing smiles, hearing laughter.. making waves. this is gonna sound so corny, but it was just beautiful. not perfect, but it's one of those times that you can look back on the night itself, and just be blown away by the simplicity of such pleasures. for me anyway. i really dont know how to put it into words, but im trying..

it's like, feeling so at peace that you actually forgot about the worries of the world during that piece of stolen time. and because you were actually in the moment, with armour and shield down, you could not have realized then how priceless that feeling was.. and hence the reflection thereafter. it is just.. wow. the lightness of heart, caught in that frame of mind.. ah, such beauty. all this rambling probably doesnt make sense unless you were there. or if you think just like me.

should have known that AIESEC has kept me together all this while.. despite breaking a few bad bones along the way. it's that subtle difference that makes you. and it's the people that make AIESEC. tonight was special. it reminded me of the times that we had, good and bad, but magnificent all in all. the times that i will no longer partake in, not in the near future anyway. the ease of conversation that just flows, and can go on the whole night if given the chance. the delicate you, an over-achiever beyond a doubt. you work your magic all the time. the amazing you, a most trusted friend and confidante. adept, capable, a pillar of strength. cant believe you're leaving too, it's gonna be weird not having you around. we squabble, but you know i love you. the steady you, so down to earth and and yet so full of hidden talent. the joyful you, how i wish i knew you earlier.. you have such a happy heart.
bowling was fun, guys. but the only feeling worse than leaving loved ones, is being left behind instead. please come back soon.

au naturel, the sanctuary detour

i wish i could paint..

2008-02-11T01:17:00.000+11:00

if every stroke could take a piece of me away.
every movement, so languid and full-bodied that the release could free the tension.
the colours, splashed in all directions with no end at all..
freedom like never known before, beckoning across the white canvas.

i wish i could leave at once..
for greener pastures and a new beginning.
but how can i leave in peace, when there is so much that holds me back and stops me from running the extra mile.
for which is the bigger sacrifice,
the possibility of a better tomorrow, or the certainty of happiness today?

i wish i did not care..
because then i would not harbour hopes so high they drove me giddy,
unknowingly inviting the bitter taste of disappointment thereafter.
it's crazy, how i want so much to feel,
and yet loathe the entourage of emotions that keep expectations company.

and yet this is what makes me whole.
this is what makes me who i am today.
why i can lie on my bed and stare at the stars put up years ago..

and marvel at how they still glow in the dark.

i love you, but i hate what you've done to me.

the wounds can only make me stronger.

my Lovely Lace shirt says:

All I need to know about life I learned from my Teddy Bear

[insert pic of cute brown teddy bear face]

~ Hugs are even better than chocolate
~ There's no such thing as too many kisses
~ One good cuddle can change a grumpy day
~ Love is supposed to wear out your fur a little
~ It's okay to let your inside stuffing show now and then
~ Listening is as important as talking
~ Someone's got to keep their eyes open all the time
~ It's never too late to have a happy childhood
~ Everyone needs someone to hold them

funny how it only makes so much sense now when you've been wearing it to sleep for years.

homesong stories

2008-01-03T17:37:00.002+11:00

waking up to find myself bathed in familiarity feels surreal.

nothing much has changed, nothing too drastic anyway. the curtains still shoulder the light beautifully, the sheets are in my favourite brown shade, the wardrobe is filled to the brim with clothes, knick knacks, diaries of the past.. and now, more junk brought back from melbourne. every door opened spells years of memories caught in mementos given from the heart.

yet i can't help but notice the subtle differences; things that go unnoticed unless you've been away for awhile. how the yellow tint has started show on the white water dispenser, how rain and shine has aged the teak wood furniture outside, how patches of water leakage are starting to show in the plaster ceiling above me, how the doors seem to have so many more scratches..

chester looks forlorn in his little corner, perking up every now and them to bark for attention. happy russell.. really doesnt seem all that happy anymore. could the lack of eyesight actually be getting to him? my heart breaks for these two. i wish i could see through their eyes, understand their longing, feel their pain.

living out of a suitcase isn't new anymore. time only halts for a breather when im not out catching up with friends, devouring local delicacies or running errands. times like these, when i have to force myself to sit down and reflect. because there are no classes to return to come february, because all the aunties and uncles prod me left right and centre for my future plans. questions im still finding the answers for.. answers that i've been running away from.

im 3 days late, but what have i learnt from the year of 2007?

the jubilant (and sometimes reluctant) graduate me.

more pictures soon.

handyman

2007-12-06T15:16:00.001+11:00

fixing the shower head today.

so meticulous, handling the equipment with utmost care. something about the intense concentration in his eyes.. the genuine desire to make it all work smoothly. the subtle physical strength, toned and pulsing through the movements. so courteous on one hand, and yet so masculine on the other.

i could go on..

but in one word,

heart to heart

2007-12-02T23:28:00.001+11:00

sun & wine at port melbourne

pensive..

one of those times, when i turn to words for clarity of thought- a weirdly fulfilling way of digesting the spurts of emotion, to learn and see for myself how my mind works. there was a word that daryl and lx once used back at deli france in BSC, to explain why people write only when during gloomy days. hah, im one of those people.. dwelling in extremes- overflowing words for rain, narcissistic pictures for sunshine. all this while being horribly cryptic, possibly because im detail-phobic when it comes to me.. or because ive grown so accustomed to using the sensitivity shield; the less you know, the less i have to explain!=D
.. doesnt always work out well- creating more confusion that wanted, igniting curiosity beyond my sharing capacity..in all sincerity, it's unintentional=]

reading..

a rarity, as many would know. now a nightly ritual, to read until the eyes are heavy.. and yet still pushing on to the very last word.

i kissed dating goodbye (the revelation clears up the fog- thank you pigs). little women. a maid from heaven. boy meets girl. the buddha, geoff and me (back to you next year, heids). a life unleashed (well-timed, josh. thank you!). laughter, the best malaysian (tickles fly silly).

so much depth in each; sporadic statements all over that do you in till dawn. exceptional insight, subtle and inspiring. uniquely different in their own ways, a spiritual awakening, childhood re-visitations, cheer ups for the soul. makes me think all over again; something i tried to avoid during the year. a great spring clean though, sorting through the jumble pummeled deep inside. saying hello to the doubts that still linger, accepting new values, finding strength to see them through.

being comfortable..
could never equate to contentment.. not for long anyway. a part of me wants so badly to stay put, but a larger part pushes me along the parlous path. the roadblock up ahead barricades you into asking what's next? there is no correct answer, only a slow inching of distance forward from trespassing new grounds. precarious, but so tangible.. so close.

21 is only a number..

it sums up a reckless youth, an untimed horizon of living for today, a searching chapter selfishly defined. an indefinite amount of moments to remember, to cherish, to feed the soul.

been wanting to write about my AIESEC Experience.. will get to it soon.

the clock still ticks..

time to move out of the comfort zone- refreshed and fire rekindled.
new year's resolutions..?

and so it ends

2007-11-19T14:02:00.001+11:00

albeit on a sweltering hot note.
where was the heat when i needed it?
flies no more!
buzz no more!

the mental, emotional and physical breakdowns..
with the trustworthy golden bowl rescuers, the flyBong combo
decidedly a blessing or a lesson learnt,
depending on which way you look at it

binge-eating..
like you've never eaten before
munch, chomp, shiver with delight,
but mind you, consumed with guilt

breaking the dawn, with the sweat of a pen..
surely, the day will come when i will be one of them
who sashay the swotvac away
alas, a chance no more!

rising to the dreaded alarm..
even though you swore you barely slept 5 minutes ago
fasting on internet, living on V,
thriving on newfound friendships on the table

this is the point of no return..
when sleep beckons, but not taken
at the detriment of the body and soul
but the mind rests yay!

no cobwebs no more isaac?
and yes more procrastination kenny
i think i want a puppy.

way up high

2007-10-26T00:42:00.001+10:00

leap, jump, shout,
reach for the stars

happiness is remembered in the moments.

i quote

2007-10-01T22:27:00.001+10:00

one by one, they all left.

some words lose their meaning when said too often. most words have no meaning anymore.

you know you've lost something when you start avoiding people. and online dialogues. and e-mails.

and you find comfort in swirly substances and food.

time has never seemed so scarce.

since when was my tolerance level so low?

i want to be simple-minded. i want to sit down at mr tulk's when it's half full, soak up the sun (no wind please) and read a book.

i want to go back to school.

how could i lose the umbrella?

blood is thicker than water. and that's why time away from fluids is well worth the familial bond.

so i put on weight. big deal. prosperity goes a long way.

i miss everyone. but that just means i have no one here.

whirlwind, this is what this is.

(attempting to be) politically correct

2007-09-09T17:08:00.001+10:00

6 old friends seated around an oversized table, last night's discussion was terribly enlightening and disturbingly frightening. stuck on a seesaw between kee's world of local pun, kampung boy mat and sustagenius ads versus hot belle (who chose the beast), slutty (when hypnotised by ja'afar) princess jasmine and sexy ariel ( who can sing underwater), the waitress must have heaved a huge sigh of relief to see off a group of noise leave too late into the night.

it is no startling fact, but this heightened awareness contrived by a ruthless discussion on the Malaysian government- it is a gnawing feeling of distrust enshrined by negative international press, secrets unveiled and underlying racial tension only discussed behind closed doors.

but who is to determine what is right?
by what standards do we aspire the authority to abide?
has there been and will there ever be a utilitarian framework of ethical judgements and shining transparency put to practice?

if anything, precedence breeds today's subtle but somewhat unsuccessful concealing act. unless there is a local jason bourne to save the day?

it is the same the world over.

agreed. humanity, in general, is too smart for the loopholes on the road. we all rejoice over public holidays, recoil at rising tax rates and rekindle the love for juicy tabloids. we take pride in luxurious cars, blaze through the city with anticipation of the vibrant nightlife, and take up that symbolic cheer of teh tarik over dented plastic tables.

i grew up with the loveliest "dik, nak tumpang ke..?" makciks as neighbours, a superstar athlete bestie who could beat me at the 100m sprint in her tudung and tracks, the fiercest indian jokers who made you laugh till you had stomach cramps, and a full-fledged (half) banana volleyball team who could not understand our competitors' mandarin. i still think ning baizura is beautiful, and that the enthralling performing arts industry in underrated.

in some weird and obscure way, i might have been affected by the admittedly biased NEP. along the way too, i realized it didnt really matter so much if i had a roof, some pocket money, an education, good fun and the bestest of friends. point is, i grew up happy.

i wouldnt trade the experience for the world, political injustice or not. im still going home.

this too, shall pass

2007-08-24T01:13:00.002+10:00

surely it is not an overreaction of sorts, surely this must be a case of cat and mouse chasing nothing and everything at the same time? or you know, pulling the rabbit out of the hat after it miraculously disappeared before..?

you had your chance..

to see a friend step up.. and yet not to be there, to hear the laughter over barbeque.. from afar, to cover the tears with good cheer.. but dying a little inside. to be inspired to write.. but for all the wrong reasons. no, it is not the caffeine that makes my hands tremble tonight.

knowing isnt quite the same as sharing is it?

you had your share..

could be the result of crowd aversions and secret getaways. could be the reverse of a metamorphosis, a cocooning of thoughts.. hardening away into an empty shell, shielding a devolution of flesh. selfish, that is what this is. that reluctance should arise when taking a step back is for the betterment of most, if not all. the deviation of values, the pathetic feeling of rejection, the over-reliance on comfort taken for granted.

blissful ignorance was never an option was it?

no wonder the ferrero rochers sitting outside have been dwindling in numbers so quickly. if i stay awake long enough, it might do the disappearing act too.

thank you

2007-08-22T18:15:00.001+10:00

for not judging,
despite the whispers.
for holding the umbrella,
even when it was too small for two.
for welcoming with open arms,
a faded rainbow.
for entertaining an insatiable appetite,
from north to south to city to town.
for not just tolerating the angry outburst,
but turning the despair into smiles.
And most of all..
for showing me the world,
in one weekend.

of love-hate relationships

2007-07-28T12:54:00.000+10:00

it is like hitting the replay button, because the mental wars never stop.

i love you. i hate you.
you're delicious. you're worth 100grams of fat for every mouthful i partake.
you are addictive. you are detrimental to my health.
you let me down. and then you surprise me.
the performance is satisfaction-guaranteed. i just wish i didnt have to watch it with you.
you take up too much time. you are also my most rewarding experience.
you mean the world to me. if only you werent just twirling me around your fingers.
you make me happy. i dont even know you.
you can criticize my values and my reasons. just dont impose yours on me.
frustrating is your middle name. endearing is your first.
you unleash the competitive streak in me.
you also pull my muscles, and i cant walk down the stairs tomorrow.
you are horribly delightful, messing with my mind. i think the lights are so pretty.
you give me headaches and clog my throat. you are my most valid excuse.
i dont ever wanna hear from you again. one call lights up my day.

ironically, the same euphoric highs you get are inevitably going to be as pronounced as the psychotic breakdowns. blast the good times, lets get on to the next adventure.

hoping isnt all that bad, as long as you expect the worst.

choice

2007-07-25T02:25:00.000+10:00

comes with a price.

a sacrifice, a stoical perseverance that either makes or breaks you.

the ultimate highs. your soul-breaking experiences. the wasted time and captured moments. the friends you hold close to your heart. your lovelies. your excessive consumption of gastronomical delights. your alchohol indulgence. the moments spent running away, from responsibilities.. and reality. your soft spot. the straying temptation. your endless laughter, and streaming tears. your fears unfaced. candid shots. the views beyond your imagination..

..the memory collage is beautiful.

the malaysian weekend

2007-07-06T00:42:00.001+10:00

exhausted body, exhilarating games, excellent company.

the cumulation of MASCA Games ended in the grand finale Msian Night- where Victoria meets South Australia meets Tasmania meets Queensland meets New South meets Western Australia meets Canberra in a night of traditional glamour.

the Victorian vball team

happy people

dejavu at san remo

sisters beautiful in green

some of the podium takers

matching reds

good ol times

thumbs up

mixed doubles gold!

sydney-ians

silver for vball!

the inter-state badminton entourage

we meet again

the natural angle

my lovelies throughout

bite baby

night lights

super martini

what a weekend! i could not have been happier.. it's been awhile.

next up, MelCon!

fragmented yesterdays

2007-06-23T01:07:00.000+10:00

was reading the old posts..

hazy recollections, too faint to be certain.
the cheeriness, the metaphors, the dark thoughts,
familiar yet strangely distant.
could it have been that long ago?

was looking at the old pictures..

.. nights out, partying, drinking, camwhoring.
the faces, so young.. the smiles, so carefree.
i almost forgot how everything has changed.
surely it cant just be me?

was gonna start writing the overdue article..

.. but instead was reminded of the past.
the buried emotions, the memories left behind.
the melancholy gets to you sometimes.
is this how it is supposed to feel?

you dont realize how far ahead you are until you stop to look behind..

.. just make sure you get back on track soon enough.

the man of my life

2007-06-17T12:37:00.000+10:00

i love how you send me quirky e-mails

that have me laughing out loud
with you, at you, at us.
it's amazing how we have reached a point
where anything at all can be said.

i love your delightful insights
about life, about me, about people around us.
you never fail to surprise me
with your sharp observations.
your intuition has already gotten you so far.

i love how you have let me go,
yet still hold a part of me.

im sorry i cant be home this winter
you know i would love to..

happy fathers' day pa!

numb

2007-06-06T15:03:00.000+10:00

she stares blankly at the papers in front of her, seeing past the printed knowledge meant to save her this friday.

in the next half-moon cubicle, teenage boys throw vulgarities at each other, an obvious norm in their daily conversation. the chatter drones on, mildly comforting because it ties her down to the reality that she is not in the safe haven of rainbows. the cleaner stacks up the grey stools on the white tables. an unintentionally hostile move, depriving new customers of choice.. and reminding existing ones that it is already two hours past midnight. the music is strangely familiar; pop in all its young glory. the smell of fries wafts through the air. oil-laden, salt-infested, the staple meal for almost all present. two policemen walk in. two friends follow. medics arrive not long after. all with a common goal.. supper.

her shoulders rise with every breath, her body otherwise motionless. the calculated movements stop her from feeling already more suffocated than she already feels. the seat grows warmer by the minute, but her fingers turn icy cold. she wills the tears to come, but none surface. inside, the war continues. outside, she is the picture of tranquility.

she remembers the barter trade; vulnerability in exchange for sweet nothings.

she should have known.

in the driver's seat

2007-05-26T00:15:00.000+10:00

with a shaky steering wheel. you wish you had more control, if only you knew which direction to go.

insidious pits..
every turn is littered with portholes. some large but shallow.. a few strategically obscured from view .. some you rather ignore because you refuse to acknowledge the consequences. you choose to play the fool.

no brakes..
every route taken is a step further away from home. the skeptic and the critic at odds with each other, racing towards the non-existent finishing line. no confetti for the champ, only the solace of self-justification. discipline and willpower going south, despite reality looming overhead. your mind tells you to reverse, but your foot slams down the accelerator. a capsize of your mind's sensibility.

diverging roads..
ever so frequent, another path emerges. another sacrifice to make with every choice you follow. or possibly, another chance to redeem yourself and move towards the light. baby steps, to make a difference.

broken mirrors..
distorting your view. you unwittingly close an eye to all except what you want to see. what catches your attention can only serve to beguile the gullible, to lure you deeper into an idealism of false security. a self-fabricated wall built from self-designed presumptions. a reiteration of unproductive thoughts.

where are the traffic lights to stop you from cruising around aimlessly?
where are the hidden cameras meant to deter breaking the speed limits?
why isnt there a good feeling about this journey?

the truth is you probably sent yourself on a mental guilt trip. a prolonged excursion that never quite settles for a destination because you are too busy kicking yourself to decide where to go. in fact, you are not even sure if you got over the resentment of the past. you fear too much of hurting others, but get hurt yourself. you seek approval from people you do not need it from. you are living in self-inflicted pressure, stretching yourself way too thin. a constant state of denial, a somewhat skewed faith in extreme optimism.

i want a change.
a purpose-driven life; simpler and with a focus. being selective is being effective.

what drives your life?

p.s. to add cheer to your day, try Copperpot's fine selection of delectable 2-in-1 dips. top 3 on the list include Lemon garlic prawns & avocado mayo, Chilli crab & spring onion and Cracked pepper & pesto. best enjoyed with crisp crackers, no expectations and the usual state of befuddlement.

daze

2007-05-11T16:16:00.002+10:00

swirling sensations.
the feel of warmth spreading
over your fingers,
your cheeks,
your lips.
tantalizing.
you want to fight the desire,
resist the temptation,
mask the vulnerability
and the slight tremor
barely noticeable, unless you look closely.
heightened pleasure,
racing heartbeats,
a million sparks
and a wandering mind.
rushing, pulsing, throbbing.

such dizzying effects, caffeine can bring.
the wonderful love-hate relationship that ignites impulsive, compulsive behaviour.
for better or for worse.

the first contact

2007-05-07T11:04:00.000+10:00

The seconds halt into minutes of calm surrealism. The wave of comfort washes over you, engulfing your senses, lifting you off your feet.

Left, right, front, back.. people around you are singing praise. The words ring clear, and you lose yourself in the crowd. It is almost as if they are serenading you into rapture.

Something tugs at your heart. Someone knocks at your door. He wants to guide you through the valleys, turn your tears into joy, never once letting go off your hand.

The flowers will never stop blooming if you dont want them to. The green so vast that you never want to get to the other side. The colours of your life, so beautiful when you cast your doubts away.

take me away with you
i wanna be close to you
take me away into the secret place..

learning points

2007-04-30T15:14:00.001+10:00

the past two weeks have taught me that:

silk undies are the ultimate joys of being a woman/ daughter of a woman.
unhealthy amount of long blacks, jasmine tea, dark chocolate and peanut butter pizzas can lead to fantasies of savoury food and revolting repercussions.
studying corporate finance comes close to reading a storybook if you exclude the calculations. the kind of book you actually want to finish in one night, but not by choice. of course, the midsem test will allocate an entire section to bloody lease payments which you deliberately skipped. trade-off theory: the benefits of (barely) sufficient sleep + a bedtime story offsets the negative mindblock of understanding the mindless calculations.
derivative securities. after skimming through 3 lectures, it suddenly hits you that derivatives = derivation = deriving currents from futures. how could that have skipped you right from the start? and isnt it terminally wrong to call them lecture notes if we are expected to copy notes onto our lecture slides in class?
disappointment is the fruit of expectations. you dont even realize you expected something until it doesnt happen. give more, expect less. im still learning.
moving three girls' garbage into a new home not found yet is harder than originally thought. perfect timing too.
animal grooves. forgive the monkey for her love of bananas, the rat for always scrounging the kitchen for food, the mouse for consuming too much cheese for her own good and the pig for looking like one. funny, dad always called me a fox.
general knowledge: ignorance or sheer lack of pursuit?
promises.. are going to stay unbroken. a promise to make a picnic happen in Flagstaff Gardens will materialize. even if it's only gonna be me, myself, a book and a beach mat.
the carrot breakthrough- could my eyesight possibly be deteoriating concurrently with the decreasing consumption of the orange miracle?
beer, cakes, pictures, coffee, sun and rain, material gifts.. intangible treasures of a big girl in pigtails and a lollipop in hand. boo the guards/bouncers who kept requesting for ID! showers of love, insults and ramblings from months of separation. nothing comes close to spending time with the two most precious people in your life.

now on to snapping out of the reverie.. hopefully.

give me strength

2007-04-21T17:11:00.001+10:00

for all the dahlings around the world, i miss you.

recent highs

2007-04-16T00:46:00.000+10:00

What is your impact?

AIESEC Victoria Statecon 2007. motivation pulsing through every member. pride and ownership over the LC, the region, the organisation. the great debate. capture. leadership & management tips. personal reflection. goal-setting. going international. going intensive (URians, you guys are awesome). discussions, contracts, sugar cubes. the barn, the dining room, the bunks. the party room, mingling seshs, the late night chat till dawn. sleeping bag-deprived, but overflowing with warmth, from inside.

i cannot possibly do justice to a three day rendesvous in the hills of golden valey lodge, stuck with a 100 odd delegates who were either

cross dressers,

skollers/drunkards,

frisbee players,
cooks,

slave drivers,
still in school,

or too attached to get up,

in a measly paragraph. these snapshots of memories, along with a host of line dances, chants and crazy parties live on.

goodbye lush greens, hello go-getter.
admittedly, the end is always the start of something new.

such joy, prancing on the sands of St Kilda, lost in time as we left everything behind in the suffocating city. unburnt scrambled eggs for breakfast, a rarity. freezing in the cold wind, laughing as our hearts sang in light-hearted company . such generosity, the photographers who took numerous pictures for us. such fun, i wanna do it again!

love you girls.

then there was the mornington trip which started on such a bright, bright note..

went a little crazier

more colourful

but a poor sick soul came home, promptly showered and went to bed.

which is what anyone without a voice but facing a volleyball match and a midsem test tomorrow should do anyway.

gnight!

oh no

2007-04-09T22:54:00.001+10:00

joshua's weighing scale wasnt lying today..

.. i did indeed put on another kg this week.

soon, i wont be able to fit through the door.

the worthy saturday

2007-03-31T18:48:00.001+10:00

who says there are 7 days in a week?

the past 2 weeks flew past in one big jumble of a day. i miss having hour- long breakfasts, and then have another post-breakfast meal up on my comfy chair recharging to the wonders of blog-surfing, food nutrition-surfing, or just surfing in general.

so whenever i have the chance, i try to stay at home for as long as i can.

the problem here is, everyone's amazing ability to delay the books as long as humanly possible. i am no different.

it started with a quick trip to victoria market for fruits.

i came home with hands full of fruits, vegetables, nuts, meat and a new top too thin for winter and too thick for summer. somehow that led to rearranging the fridge (which is no easy feat when you have three food junkies in the house), readjusting the temperature (my cucumber is frozen! it's not light green in the middle anymore, it's translucent-ish), munching on generous dosages of green grapes (how come they're so cheap now anyway? the perfect sweet temptation) and then proceeded to stuff myself further with juicy strawberries and yoghurt (i've tried all flavours possible and i've come to realize strawberry yoghurt does it for me). half an hour later, im having toasted bread with double cheese, frozen cucumber and semi-frozen spicy hommus dip (safeway special! $1.99- but there is preservative inside. a once-off tradeoff for a cheap buy?) .

one day, i'll talk about the joys of grocery-shopping. full-on housewife mode last night. right, studykakis?=]

the next hour or so was spent downloading 20 odd songs just so i could choose one nice ringtone to transfer into my bruised-all-over Sony Ericsson dinosaur. Except i had to transfer at least 10 500kb default ringtones into my labtop just so i could delete them off my phone before there was enough space to put ONE SONG in. bleh. but it is worth it. now, instead of the annoying teriyaki boys blasting that same beat over and over again, i now have melodious, rejuvenating Selah's Bless the Broken Road. Rejoice!

i also have a thing for 'personifying' of my room. despite rearranging/ redecorating/ reorganizing my humble abode a million times over, i keep getting urges to make more changes. hence, today's garbage of pictures is the result of 2 hours of hard work. the pictures make me feel so... at home. this must be some obssessive compulsive disorder i have for visual fulfillment therapy. seeing images everywhere sends me into reveries of my own.

any ideas what i should do wtih the gaping space in the middle?

can you believe i saw someone using that exact umbrella? so hawt. was so tempted to ask where she got it.

the safe haven.

titbits collected during my stay here (includes cards sent from msia too!)

my honey, my sleeping buddy.

and you know how everyone has not been blogging as frequently anymore? i was no different. and the one afternoon i have to redeem the impoverished state of my studies ends up here.

how come i can feel happy while feeling guilty?!!

lx, looks like we'll have to start working on my (lack of) time management again.

im thinking cornflakes with milk.

the overdue birthday post

2007-03-26T23:23:00.000+10:00

teng my april dahling who turns 21 this coming 1st! the girl with the voice of an angel.. you blow all of us away when you sing my dear. will you be celebrating this year? wish i could be there, but know that distance does not break the bond. missing you always, my old volleyball kaki.

jon as known by me. jobo, bones or jb as known by others. the old kid on the block, young but with so much depth. you're someone i know i can trust to be objective in your thoughts and sensible in your actions. well, except maybe in booze cruises and AIESEC parties hehe. I admire your ambitions and hope all goes well! it's been great knowing you jon.

kenny the funny guy. who can forget the pole-dancing extravaganza or hongkie canto of this karaoke fan? you bring cheer to the office all the time. good luck with the projects, im sure you'll do just fine. enjoy yourself along the way too. thank you for dinner at automatic; the Baci cake was the richest i've had everrrr!

yin san cutie pie cum alcho-happy dancing baby. infectious laughter, endless taunts, vanity champ. i love the purple pinafore. opinionated, sensitive, a challenger. only you have the power to discipline me! happy birthday o fellow m2ian.

meldeeee dahling. the sugared chilli peppers who always had the writing mojo. emphatic-wishywashy-bubbly-similar thoughtwaves-kiwiloving-unchained tigerrrr. sorry i could not be there to watch you grow that tiny bit older when you hit 21. i will however, always carry your song in my heart=]

k hong the old heng tai. the one who gets away with the sharpest insults and crudest remarks. the one who always invites us over to his place for gambling seshs, makan, minums and mahjong. we had such good fun wrecking up havoc on the tecachers.my ponteng kaki, now rocking it up in sydney.

lil mich! missed you over summer. sweet date to turn 21, with valentine's just around the corner. explains the personality too=] hope you had a good one, and looking forward to catching up with you soon!

peini with the pearly whites. the joker, the partygoer, the livewire in any room. the ganas paintballer hahah. i have yet to see the ducks at your home! slumber party soon? hugs babe. happy belated birthday!

dahling sush in far away land UK. the woman who cares, shares, laughs and worries. the perfectionist with a taste for for musicals, food and bojangles. the one i havent seen in a long, long while. i miss the good ol days when we had girly brunches/lunches/dinners at your place; think waffles, chocolate brownies, cakes.. now all you do is tempt me with pics of delish pics fom your regular potlucks! keep in touch always babe, mwahhhs.

adrian wants peace in the world. hello young, witty medic student . i want an update! happy belated birthday anyway.

pilot yijin with the cheeky smile. you smuggy! you uncle! fly down to melbourne soon and spend a week here! or better yet, fly me back home soon! =] the old guy with a young heart and a dozen other funny tales to boot. si comel, here's one taken during Christmas.

dan the usual thorn among the roses. generous, honest and shameless! and that makes you special, because there is always a fair shortage of good people like you. who else can give me tute answers 30mins before it is due to be handed in? thank you, for all the little favours that you have done for me dan. you're my only @ and ICSS kaki; the journey thus far has been way more enjoyable with you around=]

funky dahling jo. liberal yet domesticated, crazy yet sensible, the goddess of whims makes any dull day a very bright one. i miss you jo, i barely got to spend time with you this summer. ahh, the pains of ldf (long distance friendships). i want you to know that your frankness is so endearing and the little things you do for us girls really keep the love going. you're amazing, and now you have unleashed the magic upon kedah! happy belated 20th, and i pray 2007 will have much in store for you. HUGS.

the younger couz jon jon takes on the big two oh two weeks after me! distinctly unique, this power-packed young man can take on the world in his orange volkswagen and orange shoes. open, frank and endearing, you're always a joy to talk to. i will never forget the childhood memories we had climbing up the grill gates and tearing ech other's hair apart. keep in touch, and keep writing yea?

sweet heids. it's not the best shot, but it is the only one i have with you. proves i need to bring my camera out more often, as if i didnt do it enough already. you're really something heids; that easy smile that breaks others' worries, masking your own. you're a fighter babe. you spur others on just by being yourself, and your selfless ways intrigue me. i hope you had a good one back home, but that doesnt mean you cant have another!=]

smartypants ee ling. who else can so effortlessly deliver flying colours year after year while decked out in sexy gear. the ultimate all-rounder. happy belated dear!

daryl foong. mastermind, manipulator, master of the sarcasm trade. best seen with a drink in hand, and the trustworthy verbal weapon that can squeal delight, impart wisdom and poke fun at the same time. you bring out the best and worst in people with your colourful persona and twisted charm. i've only known you for 2 years but it feels wayy longer, thanks to your amazing friendship. i still owe you a birthday gift. maybe two, if november arrives too soon=]

edit: special ShoutOuts to Pei Ann, Barry, Hui Ni, Chunky, Matt Lim, Nimalan, Jiyang, Pei-Fern, Marcus, Chris Ho, Dens Chan, Bedah, Jiun Jeh, Josh Goh, Sue Zen, Farah Zamzam, Koon Seng, Szu Hsiao and Ameline!

the long walk home

2007-03-06T22:32:00.000+11:00

was shorter and warmer than i thought it would be with so many things on my mind.

i feel like bitter rocket leaves and sweet spinach piled on with fermented hard-boiled eggs and tangy tuna. while fighting the strong urge to ramble, my mind flutters all over the place like a newly-freed butterfly.

i feel con-ny.
conflicting thoughts, contrasting personalities. consumed by emotions, connected only to the spread of letters under my fingers. contending with myself, endlessly contradicting my values. unfaltering concern, concealed. i must conform.

im thinking..

coffee, as it once again worked its wonders on me today. such a powerful drug; the tiniest of gulps can make my heart race for no reason at all. for all the tension, the warmth pulsing through my body and my cold hands, i blame the infamous long black. my type, definitely.

AIESEC, and how not a day has passes without indulging in it. how the info sessions can be so enlightening when you finally understand the complex but rewarding concept. how marketing the produt can be so challenging, and entertaining at the same time. how the passion in some is indefatigable- indirectly giving you that extra boost to feel the same. strive in the thick of mess.

change, and how a simple word can warrant completely different realms of understanding to different people. from colourful penang to vibrant bangkok to mind-numbing vacation work to unmatchable indulgences during chinese new year, the whirlwind of feelings have finally come to a standstill upon touchdown at melbourne's tullamarine airport. no matter how unfounded, there is rationale behind my actions that maybe only time can explain. one thing slipped though; it has only just hit me that it was the 5th of march yesterday.

unnecessary stress, of untimely reports and mindless work. of draggy meetings, and unending activities. of the same people, but new faces. the safe haven is barely 10 steps away, but i am 5 days behind. how i long for the comfort of those familiar walls that smile a million different smiles at me, and twinkle like stars at night. the words that are read so many times they remain etched in your mind. the inspirational posters, waiting to be hung up for my viewing pleasure.

it has only been a week, but it feels so much longer.

somewhere inside, there is a pipe leaking.

listen to natalie grant- the real me

cloudy skies

2007-03-01T22:51:00.000+11:00

kl feels like a dream. it's as if summer just flew by in a cloud of holidays, catching ups, internships, home-cooked food and angpaus. like it never actually happened.

it's that time of the month again, where the what ifs chipmunks pop out from the log holes, staring at you with the juxtaposing forlorn eyes and cheeky smile.

when i first saw possums at the flagstaff gardens, i remember thinking they looked like chipmunks.
in fact my brother used to look like a chipmunk.

what if i didnt go back home for the holidays?
would i feel this lost?
what if i did a summer semester here?
would i have scored higher, with less distractions around?
would i be more involved in aiesec?
would i be more equipped with the technical expertise needed to get me through?
would i be more passionate, more optimistic.. more outspoken?
what if i did go home, but came back here a week later?
would i have escaped that fateful day of unfortunate events?
would my room be ready for me?
what would life be if i had grown up here my whole life instead?
would i turn out just like the rest of the ABCs, creamy white rosy complexios, high noses, distint accent?
would i have the same personality?
would i have the same values?

fayelove, i need who moved my cheese too. i hope it has done you some good.
HUGS, everyone.

lightheadedness

2007-02-09T03:49:00.001+11:00

look how far we've come over the years.
older, wiser hopefully, but still in the same frame.

the camera lens frame.

oh how we've both grown up.

cough.

yeah.

it took awhile, but we finally came to our senses.

like, after 50 shots at least.

maybe more.

*cringe* i cant believe i did the peace sign.
my mind is feigning disgust at the camwhores, but every other bit of my soul is laughing.

when i look back at these pictures ten years from now, i will remember.
and they will be happy thoughts.

mental explosions

2007-01-27T04:24:00.000+11:00

in the span of one month, i have been up and down the joy ride so many times that it is getting harder to express clearly into words the true meaning behind life stories.

have you ever felt like you could detach yourself from being in your present moment, look around, and absorb the little spurts of reality around you? to be able to interpret what you see behind an inconspicuous facade?

you know how they say blind people have the sharpest sense of hearing? same concept, except now you're mute but you can still see the world's colours.

intentional acts. that split second expression hidden away behind a laugh. the tilted posture. the unmoving eyes but discreet lips whisperings words in a seemingly nonchalant manner. the observer. the talker. the suppressed. the attention-seeker. the flower. the pearl. the one who tries to prove. the one who doesnt mind being laughed at.

the stolen looks. whisperings behind the hand. backstabbing. head-to-toe analysis, behind your back. forced smiles. small talk. loose handshakes. scepticism. probing. sharing. seeking. wit laced with sarcasm banter. counter checks.

what strikes you iron-hot is that you are no different from them.

even when you know you are more fortunate than many, the hunger for more still remains. because nothing is ever enough isnt it? as long as someone else has a bigger slice of the cake, dissatisfaction lives.

it really is that hard to be the bigger person who stoops down to earn her/his respect yes?

daryl's nick says " What is Victory, but Greater Perseverance? "

it takes an angel these days.

cili padi

2007-01-25T01:31:00.002+11:00

we learn life's simplest lessons in the smallest of things.

just because you do not get to play competitive badminton one sunday does not mean you wasted that few hours. you were instead given a chance to practice your strokes, have a good laugh on the court and take things easy. you were driven to sweat it out even more, and that drive resulted in a gym session. all for the benefit of your fitness and mind peace, even if for a day only.

waking up early every morning does not have to be a dread if you dont want it to be. how often do you get to feel the morning without any tension in the air? the smell of freshly-baked pastries pulls you into such a welcoming embrace you wonder why you never did this before. nasi lemak whets your appetite, roti canai entices you completely. all these on the streets of Centrepoint. to think you live just 5 minutes away, and never knew the pleasure of an early morning breakfast. Stacey Kent greets you the minute you enter your senior's car. The airy, breathy voice serenades you into the perfect morning.

What a start.

You actually look forward to tomorrow morning.

Another reason to wake up early, and it is not just to join the rush hour traffic basking in the honks.

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us,
but how we react to what happens,
not by what life brings to us,
but by the attitude we bring to life.
A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes.
It is a catalyst,
a spark that creates extraordinary results.

thank you.
im trying=]

shreds of nothing

2007-01-11T02:41:00.003+11:00

it's like studying like you never have before, cramming every little bit you can into that few hours.. all just to salvage the last paper. you fight relentlessly despite exhaustion attacking your body and fatigue burning your eyes. anything, for this one last shot at redemption.

only to scrape through with the lowest marks.

it's like coming home late after work feeling like the world's weight has been lifted off your shoulders. nothing beats the smell of home-made yong tau fu wafting through the air, welcoming you into the cozy haven of comfort. you havent felt so warm in a long time. anticipation whets your appetite.

except you had to face the wrath of the queen first.

it's like trying to still the oncoming waves from crashing onto the beach. being afraid of standing all alone while waiting for the lrt to arrive, and later being worried sick that there might be another reason why he never picked up the phone. to drive yourself crazy inside, sudden fearful thoughts piercing the short-lived calm.

but the cold words that come out of his mouth pierce your heart before anything else.

i guess if you put too much of yourself into anything, it's almost like giving pieces of yourself away.

hope is fragile; too much of it brings you down sometimes.

i thought i could find my strength in you.

i wonder why i never learn.

two- double o- seven

2007-01-07T19:25:00.001+11:00

Merry Christmas and a Happy 2007!

just last month, i was happily threading on the familiar grounds of home.

the settings never change, the lights never stop flashing. some friends change with time, others remain the coolest ever. junk in, junk out. old stories, new tales to share. good fun guaranteed.

just last month, i met hundreds of other like-minded AIESECers in NLDS 2006, Penang.

power-packed rollcalls. energizer delegates. HIV-AIDS training. nightstalk. global village. good food. lousy food. amazing people. sharing experiences, learning, communicating. games. square dances. more square dances. omgosh the dancing! brain-storming. functional workgroups. corporate events. pimping plans. mock elections. AIESEC MBA. telematches. themed parties that didnt work out. OCs, MCs, facis.

one organization, so many miracles.

6 full days with the wonderful UM bunch, and a frontseat view to the world of AIESEC Malaysia.

just last month, i went on a crazy shopping spree in the polluted but wonderful Bangkok.

buffet for breakfast, lunch and dinner. delectable Thai food. S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G. nonstop. sightseeing. river cruise at nightfall, witnessing the lights from afar. magnificent cultural performances. pretty ladies. rubber duckies hehe. falling asleep watching DVDs. being disconnected from the world. quality family time. so much laughter. bliss.

it was perhaps, the closest i've ever been to contentment.

the year has flew past once more, giving us yet another chance to have a brand new start.

Malaysia, truly Asia

2006-12-24T04:02:00.000+11:00

in a bout of madness and spontaenity, this is a pathetic but optimistic campaign to propel Malaysia to you. the rubber duckies serve no real purpose but for its cute eye-pleasing effect, at least to me. they remind me of a bathtub.

the land of eternal sunshine and rain welcomes Christmas and New Year with Visit Malaysia 2007 and Cicakman, amongst other things. If you fancy a tan, a mosquito bite (but no stubborn big flies that go for your face!), driving challenges, great food, even greater people and a bustling nightlife, this is the place to be.

all you need is tolerance, a little money and a huge apetite for all things good=]

and that's when you end up looking like little miss me, bloated with the over-consumption of anything edible. exhausted, exposed and elated that im making full use of my summer break.

updates next round.

shots from the past

2006-11-28T18:45:00.001+11:00

while i had a rather colourful childhood, there are some things i remember more vividly than others.

i remember standing outside in the rain because i was jealous of the attention my parents gave my brother.
i remember being locked in the store room.
i remember reluctantly taking up mental arithmetic class, only to learn that homework could be escaped through other means.
i remember being teased, and wanting to prove myself more than ever.
i remember arriving late to my Golden Kids News recognition and awards ceremony. flustered and excited, i got my cert from the receptionist who told me it was already over.

i was eleven.

high school was bittersweet.
the teachers hated me, and gladly shared their appalling stories of me to fire my parents' fury.
pity, they could never kick a student out of school when she was a statistic to good academic results.
i had nothing to prove; the combination of frustration and surprise on the teachers' faces was always sweet victory enough.
i loved the track, the volleyball court, the adrenaline rush, the spirit of the team, the determination to win, the roaring support.
i loved rebelling because i hated the rules, even if it spelt more trouble.
i hated going home.
i got used to punishments.
but i never got over the memories.

i was sixteen, but i felt older.

i cleaned out my old books today, two huge boxes worth of textbooks, revision papers and tuition notes. most i threw out, some i kept in my heart. it felt like i was cleaning up my system at the same time.

i swore never to relive the pain.
i swore never to speak of it again.
but the past hunts you down, reminding you why you are here today.

i wish i had the courage to look at it straight in the eye and say i have let go.

even when i havent.

im home!

2006-11-24T18:25:00.001+11:00

i've had licking-lapping-jumping sessions with russell and chester, multiple catch ups with daddy and bro, new clothes from mummy =], satisfied my prawn mee craving, bought toiletries, re-enrolled (about time) and burned a feel good CD to listen to while im on the road. im looking forward to my first home-cooked meal at home in 4 months!

this friday has been gooood, even if i dont have my line yet. thank you for all the well wishes, i had a pleasant enough flight considering i caught 4 movies back to back, stopping only for toilet breaks and requests for more peanuts and water. by the time i reached klia, i had a throbbing headache due to the overdose of small-screen tv and loose headphones.

recapping the last few moments of melbourne..

pi

hui wen, jaclyn, phaik wah, liss, jinyin, smalls, kit mey

beach

.. and the countdown ends with a night by docklands. familiar faces at every turn, great company, packed bar, happy people, mediocre music. the westgate towers were so beautiful at night- much like a thousand tinkerbells swirling around the bridge in boundless, perfect unison. they were birds lit by the lights i think. the best eye candy as yet.

i swear im older than i am. or i've gone off the clubbing scene prematurely. or i didn't drink enough. either way, the place looks way better with the lights off. pity i only have a few measly shots at hand.

bbypers, lissoism, piggyoinks. fayelove, you shouda been there.

meldee baybee, it was a great weekend with you by my side.

and ge hui

one night on bourke

pretty lights and three trigger-deprived people after a fab service at planetshakers. thank you joshua, not just for the picture, but for sharing your faith with us.

hui ting's bday bash

Christmas arrives early in Melbourne when the sweetest, coolest housemate celebrates her 22nd the night before i leave for home!

thank you for painstakingly baking cakes and cookies for my poor broken soul during the exams, buying dark chocolate for me, accompanying me on my vitamin and souvenir sprees and being the person you are. i hope all goes well with your future undertakings. will miss you like crazy.

the night before

*heart* vyanne, hui ting, liss

what if

2006-11-20T00:37:00.001+11:00

what if i told you that continuously pushing your way to the front does not get you any further?

it does not make you any more superior than your friends.
it does not make your life more fulfilling.
being centre of attention is not everything in life.
you need to learn how to step back every now and then.

what if i told you that i could see the deceit through your multi-faceted smile?

sheer superficiality.

what if i told you that i can feel the lies behind your one milisecond response lag?

maybe you were caught off-guard.
which is surprising, i thought you would have the rehearsed excuses at your fingertips ready to be expensed at any given time.

what if i told you that i caught the raw emotion in your eyes before you covered it with something else?

im not exactly sure what it was- fear that you said too much of yourself, uncertain about how much you should let on, and whether it would change the way people thought of you.
sometimes, we say things just for the sake of saying it.
mindless, meaningless jargon perfected over time.

what if i could guess your thought process, and sense the deliberated action that came after that?

what if i can calculate your moves before you calculated yours?

what if i told you the truth for once?

happy thoughts

2006-11-14T17:30:00.001+11:00

reason #1
the weather today is lovelyy!

i stepped out into semi-cold, sunshiney air.
one hour later, violent winds blew through the city.
how good is that?

i love how the wind blows your hair apart.

reason #2
daddy says: "breaking news from CNN Malaysia. your brother passed his driving test."

*yay* i officially have a chauffeur when i get back!

i bet you cant wait to drive me around nick.

reason #3
money matters look slight better=]

why:
- i finally applied for internet banking to keep track of my (exponentially declining) balance.
- i might just have enough money to last me this week.
- i dont have to steal or live off bread, tuna and lettuce!
- i dont have to watch other people drink in bars/clubs and stare forlornly. i can afford ONE drink!

reason #4
the city has stars all over the place! big and small stars peeking out everywhere! pity im missing Christmas in Melbourne.

and the trees are no longer bald. they're green!

reason #5
someone wrote me a beautiful verse in response to my previous bout of emo-ness.

an excerpt;

Let your friends walk with you.
Together, we bask in the warmth of the sun and in the lushness of the park. Behold the glory of Mother Nature.
We have each other, to calm and embrace.

Let your friends boost you up.
Together, we fight the demons of Guilt, Indolence and Avoidance. And let’s not forget, those irritating minions of Gluttony.
We have each other, for power and persistence; for comfort and solace.

You can count on us,
to watch out for you,
to catch you when you fall,
to pick up the pieces, and of course, you.
When you spiral into the depths of despair that no one can understand, we will still be there, right by your side, ready whenever you are.

sweet joyce.. seen here with thomas who alerts me whenever there is a rainbow! hehe.

what would i do without you guys?

reason #6
guess who im seeing real soon?

the cheeky boy!

and the wonder boy!

reason #7
i have succumbed to the world of music-sharing limewire.
having been deprived for a year, i now have a truckload of rejuvenating and party-worthy songs to add on to the list of distractions.

but it's so good on the ears..

..now it's time to hit the audio lectures once more.

waterfalls

2006-11-09T21:34:00.001+11:00

a broken spirit, a tired soul.

what do you do when you have spent hours of agonizing over notes never read before, and your conscience is heatedly debating whether to hit the sack and call it a night or brave the eleventh hours and risk falling asleep in the exam?

the morning air is so refreshing. the trees wave their green hands over you, welcoming you into the royal exhibition building. calm and soothing, the aura of tranquility embraces you for that few precious minutes.

the walk is so lonely.

what do you do when you have exhausted both your mental and emotional strength, and feel even more drained waking up from a nap? you have already forayed into all comfort food alternatives, and you are too tired to cry out for solace.

you reach a point when you are about as fragile as a porcelain vase balancing precariously on the edge of the table. any fleeting touch brings you crashing down, spiralling into the depths of despair never understood.

you become a baby, maybe even needier. but no one is there to carry you through and cradle you to sleep. 'sweet dreams' is merely a fantasy, a reverie of hope never attained. you stare blankly into space, contemplating a walk outside but fear the cold. your indolence overwhelms you, hindering any movement, any thought, any recovery. physical inertia.

phonecalls do not get through. frustration forces its way through. the sea of helplessness builds.
warmth is absent, comfort is scarce.

lost in time, the seconds feel like hours.

and then a simple are you okay moves you to tears.

suddenly the accumulation of every little insensitive remark, the guilt of unattempted work and the pressure to succeed unfolds into an avalanche of melancholia.

how can you lift the white flag when there is no resolution to end the war?

just breathe and walk away.

im living on..

2006-11-07T21:29:00.000+11:00

planetshakers.
tea.
coffee.
coffee and cream crackers.
old gold dark chocolate.
lindt's dark chocolate.
lindt's orange intense dark chocolate.
hui ting's cookies.
hui ting's cakes.
hui ting's pizzas.
pocky's.
jellybeans.
orange mandarin jellies.
more tea and coffee.
tim tam quartro.
huge breakfasts.
even huger lunches.
teatime, enourmous dinners, suppers.
chocolate.

i feel a giant belly coming.

HELP!

*gasP* did i just lose my last post? oh my.
i blame the exams.

foxy tales

2006-11-04T13:00:00.001+11:00

on the phone last night, daddy dearest dropped a bomb.
" i know what you are. you are a fox."
"i, on the other hand, am a beaver and an owl."

i love his randomness, i love his delightful insights. everytime i talk to him, i'm reminded of why i miss home so much. his quirky and sometimes sick sense of humour makes me happy. his thoughts reflect wisdom gained through years of hardship and determination. i am who i am today because of his unfailing support and strength.

truth is, my dad is the most influential person in my life.

so why am i a fox?
apparently, foxes take things easily, and only do what is required of them when needed to. adaptable, impulsive, and definitely not a planner.
no, nothing about being sly, cunning or sexy foxy. darn.

i looked up the dictionary.
fox
1. a. Any of various carnivorous mammals of the genus Vulpes and related genera, related to the dogs and wolves and characteristically having upright ears, a pointed snout, and a long bushy tail.
b. The fur of one of these mammals.
2. A crafty, sly, or clever person.
3. Slang: A sexually attractive person.
4. Nautical: Small cordage made by twisting together two or more strands of tarred yarn.
5. Archaic: A sword.

foxy fun at the loo

the beaver is a planner. a beaver builds its home for the future. a beaver pops his head up every now and then to survey his surroundings. cautious, organized and alert. the owl makes his catch silently, but surely. a master of its territory, it sees through the tiny loopholes, dark as it may be.

i wonder if the fox can learn to be a beaver/owl someday. the foxerowl in making.

flashing back to what ee lin said in Urban Life, we are governed by our desires and expectations. when we indulge in shopping, MSN, food and the like, it is fuelled by the desire to do so. we expect to come out feeling somewhat better, even if it isnt necessarily for the best of us. if you can channel your desires into something bigger, greater.. He will deliver what you expect.

sigh, chocolate indulgence- the best kind of bad.

life takes a breather

2006-10-30T20:48:00.001+11:00

when exams are near.

it's that point in time when everything is momentarily at the pause button, waiting for something to happen.

most of the time, nothing does.

you see the days draw nearer, and as much as you don't want to, you're still moving at a snail's pace. you start taking pleasure in the sights around you; the buildings look taller, the trees greener, the diversity.. even more vast.

teenage school boys plonk down on the steps, along with the bulging bag of books. the lady in front of you is carefully applying her lipstick, except that it's already perfect red. an asian couple is miling the streets, oblivious to the world around them. they dont need to know anything else, their joint hands are already showing them the world. a frail woman sits quietly in her little corner, pouting not because she's upset, but because the lines on her face make her seem so. when she gets up, every step she takes looks painful. tottering on her shoes, she half-sways, half-walks, gingerly making her way down the tram. why is she alone? how can someone so fragile be on her way to victoria market? how does she handle the weight of being on her own, to fend for herself and to stay healthy? are her grandchildren waiting for her at home? are her children working? does she have a closeknit family to be by her side?

the detachment is so surreal that you wonder if people notice. do they think the way you do? can they see the confusion through the composure, the vulnerability behind the steady hand? the steam from the coffee cup can only warm you so much. so many things on your mind, you wish you could just stop thinking. wondering. waiting.

do you even know what you're waiting for?

it's true what they say, things only happen when you least expect it. a surprise wouldnt' be one if you knew it was coming. the same way how results come with persistent effort, and not the lack of it.

in a crowd of people, you're still very much on your own. inner strength is the only thing that's holding up your fall. mess up on the priorities and you mess up on your wants, shoulds and could-haves.

is it possible to know exactly where you want to go, yet still feel so lost?

on a good day, reflections like these make me wanna break out in a run. with sandals, there's only so much you can do. saves a tram ticket all the same.

the experience

2006-10-28T03:46:00.001+10:00

you had it once before. the delicate electricity of the moment, too short to capture but long enough to tug at your heartstrings. you drink up the sheer radiance of the taste.. the moment. that slight halt before vapour hits your lips. your heart pumps faster, and you feel that surge of warmth pulsing through your veins. it has been so long, you almost forgot how it felt like. the feeling is unmistakable, it invigorates your senses and gives you that extra spark to live.

if only i could have you every day.

but then i wouldnt be able to sleep at night.

coffee, why do you do this to me?

pictures paint a million words

2006-10-25T22:09:00.002+10:00

you're beautiful inside out joyce. thank YOU.

almost a year ago, we were at klpac watching 'girl from ipoh'. i cant believe how fast time flies. i cant believe i'm talking to you right now!hehe. you are selfless, tireless and so patient with me. most importantly, you are always there for me. and you are old, uncle calvin ho! happy birthday!

min dee baybeeee! this was you the same time last year. now you're partying hard in the sun city with high distinctions in your hand. how do you do it?! miss you like crazy. the superloud superhavoc superfun dahling. *hugs* i hope you had a good 20th!

cheeky chang song hits the big old twenty. naughty, fun and full of crap. do not be deceived by his innocence, this one cannot be messed with. a natural athlete, the biggest camwhore, the sharpest tongue. happy birthday!

the bestest korr you can ever get. we practically grew up together- but never knew each other then. you're now 21- and you can only grow wiser from here. i'll always miss your laughter. cheers to you, wei hon korr!

jin yin babe. red-faced drunkard with contagious laughter and crazy jokes. it's been so long since m2 and malacca class trips. good old times. you're the true kinky policewoman! you're worth more than your dimples and easy-going smile. i hope you had a good time in amber, whatever you remember of it=]

tonight, i'm happy with rainbow-filled memories of snickers and roche.. it's almost bliss, if you forget the books just for one restful night.